


The Solar Flare

by oneironut



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Future, Drunken Flirting, M/M, Mention of prior Yumark/Nomin, Minor Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Minor Mark Lee/Na Jaemin, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:28:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27745267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneironut/pseuds/oneironut
Summary: Year 2XXX, after more than ten years of letters written to each other, the Japanese historian Yuta Nakamoto and the Korean musician Jaehyun decide to meet. Doing so is not that simple, since they live in a society in which people can't travel from a country to another, but it's even harder to drift apart after you realised you fell in love thanks to a bunch of messy words written on a piece of paper.Or in which Jaehyun ends up being a complete emotional train wreck because of Yuta's perspective on love.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 21
Kudos: 31
Collections: Sakura Mochi - a yujae centered ficfest





	1. I dreamed of you

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt number: #44
> 
> I waited for the authors reveal to write a tiny note. Hi, that's the first time I write for this fandom and the first time I write a fanfiction after years. I decided to give this writing thing a try because I love YuJae and I wanted to write a little something for a friend of mine that loves YuJae too (I love you a lot, I know you know I'm talking about you).  
> A very special thank to my significant one, that listened to my brainstorming for months, read this work, and told me I shouldn't be embarassed to share it.
> 
> I hope you like it.

_May 12th 2XXX_

_I read your last letter several times. I need to admit it, Jae, it’s not easy to write a response. I’m scared not to find the best words to describe my thoughts, but I’m gonna try anyway, so bare with me._

_You’re not a failure, we are not failures. You can’t apply the definition of failure to yourself, or to a human being in general._

_“Failure is a lack of_ _success_ _in doing or_ _achieving_ _something,_ _especially_ _in_ _relation_ _to a particular activity.” So, we can agree that you’re not a failure, but you failed to achieve a result you cared about. I know how much you wanted to be accepted by that academy, but… Remember you still have a lot of qualities: your intelligence, your smart way to use words, your strength in perceiving your aims, they're all still there. You are still there and you’re still capable of doing whatever you want._

_I recently learned that the past doesn’t exist. It’s a strong sentence, isn’t it? But to find inner peace, you should stop relying on the past: what’s done is done. The only thing we should consider about our past is what we’ve learned and what we can still use to build our future._

_We’re not our failures, we are love, passion, ideas, projects, desires, and so much more. One failed attempt doesn’t define you as a person, and it will never do. One mistake can’t erase a whole life full of success._

_We create our own happiness, and when we indulge into bad thoughts and self-sabotage we are the only one to blame for our own unhappiness. I’m sure you’re aware of it already, but it’s important to work on our mindset after we make a misstep._

_I’m sorry to read that you’re discouraged. I’d like to be there, next to you, to put a bit more confidence inside your lovely head. You know – I’ve told you several times – I’m a man of actions, not a man of words: if I were there, I would stay by your side, beating those gloomy thoughts out of you, and making you realize how beautiful your way of thinking is, and how incredible your heart is._

_Reading your letter made my heart clench. But I’m willing to watch your back during this difficult moment. I know I’m far from you, I also know I’m just a bunch of words written on a piece of paper, but I hope I can, at least, make you feel like you’re not alone right now, and you won’t be alone in the future._

_I will always be here for you, your brilliant mind and your pure soul._

_Yours,_

_Yuta_

  
  


«This guy must really care about you, Jae,» Johnny said lazily, while putting a straw in the Long Island iced tea he made for Jaehyun. 

«It took him three months to get the papers to be allowed to come here. He and his friend will take the ferry from Osaka,» Jaehyun answered and then he thanked Johnny with a nod, starting to sip the drink. «The trip it’s about… 12 hours long, pretty much.»

«He really wants to meet you, Jae. Are you sure he doesn’t want to get laid?»

«John, we’re friends. And I don’t think he’s so disperate for a fuck to come all the way from another Country just to _get laid_.»

Since the Great Crisis, in 20XX, going from a Country to another has become almost impossible. The closure of the borders and the intensification of political tensions between the nations ended up in a general state of isolation. In the span of a decade, multiple nations declared themselves self-sufficient, even if in most of the cases it was far from the truth. 

«Are you ready to be with him for three weeks?» asked Johnny, pouring a glass of whiskey for another client of his pub. 

The place was small and cozy, few tables were arranged next to the walls filled with pictures from the life before the First Solar Flare, incandescent lights made the atmosphere feel warm and relaxing. The very first time Jaehyun went to his friend's brand new pub, Johnny asked how it felt to be there, and Jaehyun replied it felt like Christmas.

Jaehyun didn’t know how to answer. He was really excited about the idea of having Yuta at his place for so long, they were pen pals since they were teenagers and they have written letters to each other for more than ten years now, but being together for almost a month was a completely different matter. 

«Yeah,» he said, «I already tidied the house, and lil Jae is really happy to have new people at home for once. So I think everything will be fine. And I was the one who told Yuta they could stay at my place, and I thought about it a lot before telling him.» Johnny got the message and didn’t insist. He didn’t want to make his friend feel more nervous about the weird meeting that was going to happen.

They were all born after the Second Solar Flare and that was the main reason why the friendship between Jaehyun and Yuta was peculiar in the first place. Since the creation of the energy saving projects promoted by the governments, it was extremely rare – and for someone even impossible – to befriend foreing people who lived in a different Country. Despite the fact it was common to have pen pals, it was really hard to keep in contact, and even harder to decide to meet in person with someone that lived so far.

  
  


_June 23rd 2XXX_

_I dreamed of you._

_I don’t know if it was you, because I don’t know how you look like in person, so the image I made up in my head is just a collage of the few pictures you sent me (and the most recent one is from more than one year ago, so I’d assume you look different now). But anyway, I dreamed of you._

_We were together in my living room, and I was reading a book. We were both sitting on the floor and you were lying next to me, your head on my lap. I think I was reading the book out loud, and you were listening to me, but I don’t remember it clearly._

_At some point, I put down the book and I started to caress your head, and play with your hair. It was really soft, it felt nice to the touch.Then you said you wanted a hug. You had a very deep, soft reassuring voice, in my dream. I hugged you, and we hugged each other for a while, then I woke up._

_It felt good, but I was really sad in the morning. Maybe I’m in need of affection recently, and my brain is telling me it would be nice to have you here._

_I know you still have to answer to my last letter, but I needed to write this to you._

_It sounds weird, doesn’t it? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, you can ignore this missive if you want._

_Yours,_

_Yuta_

  
  


Later than night, when Jaehyun arrived home right before the curfew, his brother Jaemin was sleeping on the sofa. The older picked him up, and put him in bed. When he went back to the living room, he noticed what the younger was doing before falling asleep: he was planning what to show to Yuta and his friend during their time there. There were old leaflets of touristic sites all over the little coffee table in the center of the room, and several picky notes with dates and hours written on.

Jaemin looked more excited than him about that unusual visit. After all, that was the very first time they had guests at home, and Yuta, in one of his most recent letters, told Jaehyun that his friend was almost his brother's age.

Jaehyun and Jaemin lived on their own since their parents divorced. Their father quickly moved on, and he had a new family he cared about way more, and their mother jumped from one fiancé to another, making it clear that she didn't have time to take care of her sons. Neither of them could provide a nice and loving environment for Jaemin to grow up in, so Jaehyun made an arrangement with his parents: they would provide financial support, and he would’ve taken care of his brother.

Things were fine overall. He loved his brother, Jaemin loved this independence — or at least he tried to enjoy the bright side of the whole situation, without thinking too much about the feeling of abandonment he used to constantly feel.

Jaehyun knew Yuta was living alone too. They talked about it around the time Jaehyun moved out. At the light of a candle, Jaehyun had written a long letter to tell Yuta he was going to move, so he was going to change his address. In that letter, the boy let out all the worries, and all the pain that was devastating his chest at the time: he was 20, and his brother was still a teenageer who used to be kinda rebellious at the time.

It was really hard to take care of him, since he used to go out with his bunch of friends to do stupid teenage-angst bullshit, like getting drunk on extremly cheap alcohol, or stealing candies and condoms (that they didn’t even know how to use) from the grocery store. What if Jaehyun, in the attempt of helping his brother, would have ended up not being able to protect him, to make him grow up like a decent human being?

He had failed his entrance test for the academy he really wanted to attend, right around that time. How could he even think to be skilled enough to not fail even with his little brother?

But as usual, Yuta was tender and understanding in his reply.

Jaehyun had to admit that, even if his friends helped him out a lot during the time, Yuta was the best mental support he could have asked for. Even if he was far from him, even if he grew up in a completely different culture from his, even if they’ve never seen each other, Yuta was the best support he had. 

_January 3rd 2XXX_

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_your new house looks really nice._

_Since I know your brother likes cooking, I’m pretty sure he will make good use of that lovely kitchen. I decided to take some pictures of my house too, but it’s far from being as nice as yours. It’s an 18 square meters apartment, no one can expect too much from it. But it’s affordable, at least!_

_I know that it’s risky because of the pollution, but you should try to put some nice plants on that tiny balcony. It seems to be cute. I can imagine you and your brother drinking iced coffee there during the summer season, and spending time there, in the evenings, enjoying the breeze and staring at the starry sky._

_As soon as that place will become yours, filled with your stuff, it will be the perfect frame for a lot of new memories. I’m sure about it._

_I’m gonna even send you a drawing I made, it’s a portrait of my neighbours ugly dog._

_Ps. The guy you see in the picture of my living room is my friend Mark._

_Yours,_

_Yuta_

  
  


The following day, Jaemin was with his best friends at the park, masks on because of the high level of pollution, and a huge pack of colorful marshmallows.

«So your bro’s friend is coming in a couple of days, am I right?» said Donghyuck, grabbing a marshmallow.

«Yeah, I’m super excited! I’ve never thought to have a chance to see a foreigner.»

«He’s not an alien, Nana,» Jeno said.

«I know! But it’s still a weird thing to have guests like them!»

Donghyuck watched him with an interrogative expression printed on his face.

«Them, yes, because Yuta will come with a friend of his. He’s almost our age, so I think it will be fun having him around.» Jaemin looked enthusiastic. He was really looking forward to that new experience, and seeing his brother so happy and nervous at the same time made him realise how much he cared about that pen pal.

«I have a question.» After a moment of relaxing silence, Donghyuck said the phrase he usually used to introduce some weird or personal question he shouldn’t ask in the first place.

«Go ahead,» said Jeno, knowing he would have made the question anyway.

«Do you think your brother likes that dude? Like… _Likes_ , I mean.»

«In a romantic way?» Jaemin asked back, clearly thinking about the answer.

«Yes. You know, I understand they’re friends and stuff, and if like I was living in another Country, knowing the two of you only through letters, I would probably love to meet you in person one day or another, maybe… But going to another Country nowadays is… Crazy? And crazily expensive? Is this Yuta dude a prince or something?»

«Osaka Prince!” said Jeno, interrupting Jaemin who opened his mouth ready to answer.

«I don’t know, Hyuck. To be honest, I thought they were lovers, too. My bro never had a relationship and he never shows interest in anyone. Also… He has several binder notebooks in which he stores all the letters he received: ALL OF THEM.»

Jeno was playing with the grass, casually. «That’s cute though. They must really care about each other.»

«They do.»

Taeyong was probably the worst driver ever, but he was also the only one of them with a van. Yuta and his friend Mark were going to arrive in Busan at around 6 in the morning, after twelve hours spent on a ferry. Jaehyun knew that after that trip, and after all the borders checks they were going to do, they would have probably been too tired for a six hours car ride to Seoul, but taking the train wasn’t an option.

Police had the habit to check people’s ID on the public transport, and since Jaehyun wasn’t even aware of what kind of visa his friends were able to obtain, he didn’t want to take the risk.

Taeyong looked weirdly excited about the ride.

«We’re going to have fun, Jae. Think about it: five men in a van, driving for hours across the Country, what could go wrong!»

«Ty, please, shut up.» Jaehyun was nervous. He was questioning all the decisions he made in the last few weeks, and most importantly, he started to regret having asked his friends to go with him. He, Taeyong, Johnny, Yuta and Mark sat in the same car for six hours.

«It will be fine. Stop overthinking. We’re gonna have fun. And it will be like a road trip! We never did one!» Johnny put a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder, squeezing it a bit. That small reassuring gesture made Jaehyun smile.

They were going to drive for the whole night, and in the first light of the morning, Jaehyun was going to see Yuta with his own eyes. He felt a weird knot in his stomach just thinking about it, and could feel his hand being sweaty and oddly shaky. What was he supposed to do when they will be facing each other for the first time? Hug him? He wanted to hug him, but he wasn’t sure Yuta was up for it. As far as Jae knew, Japanese people weren’t hugs enthusiasts, and probably Yuta wasn’t too happy to hug a stranger… Can Jaehyun consider himself a stranger to Yuta? A sort of a “ _in real life stranger and paper friend_ ”. He was going to puke. He really wanted to hug him, he couldn’t even imagine himself being rejected in the attempt to just have him in his arms for a friendly bro-hug.

 _Bro, of course_. He was going to laugh at his own thoughts.

They started the trip singing to some old pop songs, weirdly imitating the moves of the choreographies. But in a couple of hours Taeyong started to yawn and decided to take a break from driving and letting Johnny drive the van for a while.

«I think… I’m going to shit my pants,» said Jaehyun abruptly. His eyes were fixed on the window, looking at the running view of the streets. Taeyong was sleeping in the back seat, and Jaehyun wanted to talk to Johnny, just to keep him awake and vigilant while driving, but… he realised he couldn’t talk about anything but Yuta.

And so he did.

  
  
  


_July 2nd 2XXX_

_I want to dream about you, too._

_I hope to not sound too creepy, but sometimes I try to imagine how it would be to spend time with you. I think it would be nice to dream about it._

_I read there’s still a ferry from Osaka to Busan. My friend Taeyong is a delivery man, and his father’s company owns several cars. Taeyong himself has a van! I can ask him to drive me to Busan, and give you a ride to Seoul. It will take about six to eight hours (since the streets are… not exactly viable), but we’re gonna have fun._

_And then you can stay at my place. For all the time you want to spend here._

_Of course, I’d introduce you to my brother and our friends. Johnny (I told you about him) is the owner of a very nice pub in a nice neighbourhood. We always go there when we want to celebrate something._

_I think about it a bit too much, maybe, knowing the circumstances._

_But I’d love to have the chance to see you._

_I liked your letter, it didn’t make me uncomfortable. I hope neither did mine._

_Yours,_

_Jaehyun_

  
  


When they arrived at the Busan port, the dawn had passed, but the sky was still sleepy, almost blue with some pink brush strokes that were caressing the clouds.

The port was already crowded that early in the morning: cargo ships were docked in an area surrounded by giant and intimidating scaffoldings, colorful containers were placed in various rows, one over another, and from a certain distance they looked like enormous toy bricks. 

Taeyong walked faster than the other two. Thanks to his family job, that wasn’t his first time there. With steady steps Taeyong was moving through the crowd, heading to the border arrivals, where Yuta and his friend were supposed to be already, waiting for them.

Taeyong’s family worked as alcohol suppliers for pubs and restaurants. Thanks to that job he got to know Johnny, five years earlier. At that time, Johnny had just opened his activity and he was “incredibly pleased” – those were the exact words he used to describe the encounter to Jaehyun – to have such a good looking guy as a supplier. They were also the same age.

They got along well immediately, and Johnny asked him out after about six months from their first meeting. During their first date, Johnny discovered that, despite working with alcohol, Taeyong was a non-drinker, and that glass of wine he drank during that dinner made him drunk.

Jaehyun bumped against several people when they were going to the ferry. He could see the ship from afar and the anxiety jumped into his throat, choking him from the inside. He started to feel suffocated by the people around him, and he felt the clear urge to go somewhere else. Johnny, the tallest of them, stopped, and lifted the cardboard in which they wrote Yuta’s name.

«What if he’s not here. What if he didn’t come.»

Taeyong instinctively grabbed Jaehyun’s hand and said: «Look.»

He was a bit shorter than Jaehyun had imagined, and even a bit smaller. The big backpack he had on his shoulders made the boy look even tinier. He was a bit tanned, his light amber skin was glowing under the sunlight. He was looking around, not a single unsure step taken despite being in that foreing environment. He passed a hand through his light bleached hair, showing a fierce undercut. 

«It’s him.» Jaehyun’s voice was trembling.

Taeyong smiled and started to jump and to move his arms in the air. 

«Yutaaaa!! Yutaaaa-san!» 

«Oh, Taeyong, dammit, everyone is watching us!»

«Him too,» said the guy smiling, while Johnny started to yell Yuta’s name too.

And then, the time stopped.


	2. More real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first step is getting to know each other for real.

Takuya had the shape of the love of his life, or so Yuta thought. His hands were perfect to touch him, his lips were made to rest on Yuta’s, his tongue was shaped to dance perfectly in Yuta’s mouth, making him soffucate moans.

When they went out for dinner for the first time, Takuya brought Yuta to an extremely fancy restaurant, one of those places in which no one cared about the energy saving laws, and the candles on the tables were only an ornament and not the main source of light. 

That man was older than him, richer than him, more mannered than him, more elegant. But he said, unprompt, holding his hand while they were walking in the city center, that he was in love with him, with Yuta. The plain, average, sometimes weird Yuta.

Shy, insecure, small, elusive Yuta. The guy with a passion for history and foreing cultures so strong he built his life around research and studies, the guy who needed glasses because he had the habit of reading in the dark, and his eyes were weak. The guy that sometimes made a fool out of himself because he wasn’t used to being around people and so he was always running his mouth too much, saying inappropriate things in the worst moments.

Takuya was so perfect and he was in love with Yuta, a whole mess of a young boy.

Is it possible to have muscle memory of a hug? Because Yuta couldn’t forget how it felt to be held by Takuya, to rest his head against his shoulder and to stay there, protected by his arms.

Yuta had big dark eyes, his lashes were black, long and bushy, he looked like he had make-up on, even if he was barefaced. He had a strong peculiar nose, perfectly proportionate with his face size. And then there were his lips, plumped kissable lips, even if they were a bit dry, probably because of the stress of the long trip.

Jaehyun couldn’t move. He was petrified by the details of Yuta’s features he was studying up close for the very first time.

«Welcome to Korea, Yuta and… Mark, am I right? It’s such a pleasure to have you here. I’m Johnny, and this is my boyfriend Taeyong and…» Johnny moved a hand, like he was chasing away a fly. «He’s Jaehyun, but I think you both can tell.»

And that was the moment in which Yuta smiled. It was a shy smile, at the beginning. Yuta put his right hand - Jaehyun noticed it was small, pretty, almost femine - over his mouth, to cover it. But then he uncovered his face again, and the smile got bigger, brighter. He showed his perfect white teeth, and Jaehyun looked at them before lifting his head and locking eyes with Yuta, having the pleasure to see how that smile reached them.

«It’s our pleasure to meet all of you, I’m… so glad to be here,» said Mark, and Yuta just nodded, while his friend was taking a step forward to shake Taeyong and Johnny’s hands.

Jaehyun was still standing. He didn't move.

They were there, Yuta and Jaehyun, but they were in their own world at the same time. All the people around them disappeared, even their friends were so far away at that moment. Yuta put down his big backpack and took a step ahead. He smiled again, looking at Jaehyun, and the latter smiled back. And then Yuta threw his arms around Jaehyun’s neck, hugging him tightly, tiptoeing to be able to rest his head over his shoulder.

«You really have dimples,» he whispered in Jaehyun's ear. Jaehyun hugged him back, holding him firmly, not wanting to let him go.

He was so small in his arms. He didn't really notice how small the Japanese man was, because of his baggy clothes. But now that he was holding him, Jaehyun let his hands caress Yuta's back, feeling his body under his fingers.

«I must stink, I'm sorry,» said Yuta again, laughing in embarrassment.

«You don't,» Jaehyun answered. He wanted to say how nice he smelled, a soft scent of floral perfume, something that Jaehyun had never smelled before.

They closed their eyes. 

When Yuta broke the hug and smiled, this time more softly, Jaehyun saw the sparkles of happy tears in his eyes, and had the vivid realization that Yuta was real, and was there. He was there for him.

Is it possible to have muscle memory of a hug? Because Jaehyun didn't want to forget how it felt to have that man's arm wrapped around him.

  
  


_September 16th 2XXX_

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_I know I promised you to tell you about my latest research, and I know how enthusiastic you were about it, but I need to tell you something._

_Please, don’t judge me too much, don’t leave me alone after this letter. I’m begging you._

_I don’t really want to throw all my pain on you, but I need to talk to someone, and I need to talk to you._

_I’m a fucking liar, Jaehyun. I’m a disgusting liar, and I lied to you. You, my best friend, the most honest person on this planet. I took your trust in me and I took advantage of it. I’m a terrible person. But now that I’m feeling the pain of lies inside my own chest, I can’t help but try to tell the truth about a big part of my life that I shared with you, lying._

_Remember when I told you about my girlfriend? I lied. They weren’t a girl. He was a man. And he wasn’t even my boyfriend. We were never official, even if I wrote that we were. I was waiting for him to become my boyfriend, maybe even something more._

_I love him so much, but he doesn’t want to see me again. Why? You may ask. Because he’s going to marry his fiancé, his real girlfriend. The one with whom he had an eight years relationship._

_He also said I could not be his lover anymore, because he can’t have more than one extra-conjugal relation. So I asked him what he meant. And he told me he had another person in his life apart from his soon to be wife and me._

_I wasn’t the only one. I was a shameful sin for him, and I’m not even worth it his time anymore. He said I’m too emotionally involved in him to be his affair._

_Am I really too involved? Since I’m here to tell the truth: yes. I am. Because I love him so much, I want to take my heart out of my chest, throw it away, and finally get rid of this pain._

_I can’t stop crying, Jaehyun. And I’m so embarrassed I can’t even talk about this to my friends here. I always talk about him as the perfect boyfriend, I told my friends I wanted to marry him… How ridiculous?_

_He’s different from me, he has always been out of my league and I always asked myself why he chose me. Now, at least, I have an answer: he didn’t do it._

_And I’m still so deeply in love with him I can’t even imagine myself with someone else. I can't even eat, I don't want to go out of my bed because I feel like I can't live my daily life without him. It's crazy. I don't know what to do, or what I'm supposed to feel. Am I supposed to fall out of love? Why is my soul still in his hands and it's trapped there, in a grip capable of destroying it, and myself with it._

_I’m so hurt by his web of lies and bullshit I felt the need to tell you the truth, because I can’t handle the idea of being here crying because of a lie, knowing that I didn't tell the truth to you. I'm sorry, deeply, truthfully, sorry._

_But I was scared to lose you. I am scared even right now. Please, be gentle with your words. I need them to heal my soul._

_Yours,_

_Yuta_

  
  


«Are you tired?» Taeyong asked the foreign men. «Since we won’t have the chance to come back here in the next few weeks, we should visit the city! So we can eat something nice, and we can all stretch our legs!»

«We had plenty of time to rest during the trip,» said Yuta with a kind smile, looking for Mark's eyes, to be sure he was agreeing with him, «but you guys drove the whole night, you should rest…»

Johnny shook his head: «Don’t worry, no one here wants to go back in that car any time soon.»

«Exactly,» Jaehyun said, hesitant. It was obvious that he was still nervous. Taeyong and Johnny exchanged a quick look, the second took a mental note to make fun of Jaehyun later. «We can go visit Haeundae beach, first.»

Mark smiled: «It sounds good to me.»

So they started to move through the crowd again, to reach the car and leave the two guests heavy baggage inside it. While they were walking, Jaehyun and Yuta kept casually touching each other's hands. Light finger touches, Yuta's hand gently grabbing Jeahyun’s T-shirt sleeve, Jeahyun’s hand reaching Yuta’s wrist. There was no need to hold hands, but there was the will to do it. It seemed they were trying to not get lost in the crowd, but they just wanted to feel each other's presence, they wanted to be sure once again they were real.

«So,» Johnny started to talk, as soon as they were sitting at a little restaurant. The place was next to the beach. From there, they could see the sea, a person was walking a dog on the seaside, in the distance. From the big window next to their table, a summer breeze was coming to caress their skin. Yuta closed his eyes for a while, enjoying that weather.

«...How did you get the travel visa? Like, Jae told us it took only three months or so.»

«I’m an ambassador,» said Mark, «or… Well, soon to be one. My father is an ambassador. He’s allowed to travel for work, and he helped us. He was excited because his family is from Korea, and he always wanted me to visit the Country and…» He pointed to Yuta, to invite him to keep explaining.

«And I'm here illegally. I didn't receive the documents and so the police are probably out on my trail already.» 

«What the fuck?! We can’t stay here!! We need to go back, if we're too late, we won't be back home in time for the curfew and we’ll be fucked.» Taeyong was standing already, he grabbed his car keys and put a hand on Johnny’s shoulder. «We need to go, NOW,» he said again, dead serious, the panic running through his eyes, and then…

«He has already started, come on, Yuta,» said Mark, while Jaehyun laughed. 

Yuta shot a guilty smile at Taeyong. «Sorry,» he says, his voice small and childish.

«You know,» started Jaehyun, «when he was starting to be more fluent in Korean, his letters were full of jokes and stories I couldn’t tell if they were real or not. It took me a while to understand when he was joking and he was serious.»

Taeyong sat down again, pouting and looking cutely annoyed. 

«I’m an historian. I’m specialized in the history of electronic eras communication. Basically I study how the television worked before the First Solar Flare destroyed the entertainment.» Yuta laughed. «A couple of years ago I helped a Korean professor, mister Kim, with research about the Japanese natural disaster alarm system. He studies Japanese, I’m trying to get fluent in Korean, so it was a nice chance for both of us to work on an interesting topic and to improve our languages. So, well… Now it’s time for him to help me out working on something. Usually, to receive the visa for this kind of thing it takes more than a year, but thanks to Mark we managed to obtain the pass in just around six months.»

«Oh, wow!! It sounds interesting… But does that mean you have to work while you’re here?» Tayong asked, while the waitress was bringing them what they had ordered.

«Yes…» Yuta glanced at Jaehyun, a guilty expression on his face. He had told Jaehyun about the work he had to do in one of his past letters, and even if Jaehyun said he wasn’t a big deal ( _Are you kidding me, Yuta? I’m glad I can see you, and also help you out with your job, somehow_ ), Yuta still felt guilty. It was supposed to be their occasion to really know each other, Jaehyun was the main reason why Yuta had decided to try to organize that trip, and the research was just an excuse he and Mark decided to use to give Yuta more chances to be able to stay, legally, in Korea. But was the message clear? Yuta didn’t want Jaehyun to feel like he was taking advantage of his hospitality. 

«But he will work only two weeks out of three! Am I right, Yuta?» said Jaehyn, before starting to eat his _mul neangmeyon_. «So we can go all together in Jeju, and relax for a while.»

They spent the rest of the day in Busan, walking around the city and chatting. Jaehyun was pleased to see how Yuta and Mark seemed to get along with his two friends, and it was nice to see how Johnny and Taeyong were trying to make the two guests at ease. 

Jaehyun also found himself unable to stay away from Yuta.

It felt like a dream: he was there. He was walking next to him, cracking jokes and telling him anecdotes and random stuff about the most various everyday things. On paper, they were doing nothing special. But for him, having the chance to hear Yuta’s voice, to see that man’s confident walk with his own eyes , to watch the way he laughed throwing his head back, letting his whole body enjoy the laughter, was something incredible. 

When they headed back home, after a couple of hours by car, Mark fell asleep, followed by Yuta. The latter rested his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder, and Jaehyun didn’t move a single muscle for the rest of the trip. He didn’t want to wake up the boy that was peacefully snoring against the fabric of his T-shirt. 

«You’re fucked, mate,» Johnny said at some point, when even Taeyong was taking a nap, resting his head against the car's window.

«What do you mean?»

«The way you look at him.»

«Do you think I’m being creepy?» Jaehyun sounded concerned.

«No, in fact… You almost look cute. He seems to be a nice guy, Jae. But..»

«Don’t,» he interrupted his friend. His body suddenly froze when he guessed what Johnny was going to point out. «Don’t say it. Please. It’s fine, okay? Let me enjoy this.»

«Don’t hurt yourself.»

«I won’t. I promise.»

_March 3rd 2XXX_

_Jae! Maybe we found a way to get the visa._

_Do you remember professor Kim? The researcher I worked with last year. He’s from Seoul, I wrote to you about him. Well, long story short, he asked me to forward a request to work with him on something that might be interesting for my work field._

_He’s from SM University, they run some of the most important historical research about the entertainment environment. It can be a great chance for me to conduct an interesting study and… It can help Mark with the documents for the trip. Maybe I can really meet you. But, before giving any answer to professor Kim, I want to be sure you’re fine with this option. I want you to know that the main reason I’m trying so hard to come to Korea is… You. I want to meet you. My job can provide an opportunity to see you._

  
  


Yuta woke up five minutes before arriving at Jaehyun’s place. Seoul was dark. It was difficult to tell if there were even people in the residential complexes made of skyscrapers filled with little apartments, from which windows there wasn't any sign of life. Not a light in sight.

It was because of the energy saving project, Jaehyun explained. Citizens weren't allowed to use electric energy after the electric curfew and weren't allowed to walk around after the people curfew, after midnight. 

«Since there's no light, there's no reason for people to walk around. But with special passes you can still go out. We both have one," said Taeyong pointing at Johnny and himself, «thanks to our jobs.»

Yuta nodded, and thanked them for the explanation. Japan was really different on that matter: people were just invited to not use the electric energy if not necessary, and the cities were still illuminated at night, especially in big places like Tokyo, Kyoto or Osaka, where Yuta lived.

«It's really dark,» said Mark, his face pressed against the window to try and see something outside, «it's a bit scary.»

«But fascinating,» said Yuta. «The sky must be incredible, I suppose. It must be easy to see the stars.»

«When the sky is clear from the pollution, yes. it's really cool.» Jaehyun smiled, kindly.

«We should watch the stars together, then.»

Jaemin couldn’t even take a nap. He was thrilled. He was nervous and excited. He knew his brother would arrive around 1 in the morning, and he was waiting for him, feeling like a kid who’s waiting for Santa Claus at Christmas. He had spent the afternoon cleaning the house, even if he already did it the day before. They weren’t poor, but they weren’t rich either, and their apartment was small, big enough for two people, but probably not the best place to spend a whole month for… a prince from Osaka, as Jeno has called him.

He was aware that Yuta wasn’t a prince, but he must have been a wealthy person anyway, if he could afford a trip to Korea. So, Jaemin wanted to make a nice impression on him, but mostly, he wanted his brother to make a nice impression. 

Even if he said to his friends that he didn’t know if Jaehyun had romantic feelings towards Yuta, his brotherly instinct was developed enough to make him realize that for Jae, Yuta was more than a friend. Emotionally speaking at least.

They were really different regarding that matter: Jaehyun was a person of feelings, words, connections at heart. And that was probably the reason why he had few friends and he had only a past relationship with a girl no one even remembered anymore. Jaemin was more of a man of action, fast intercourses, passionate outbursts of love and affection that didn’t last long. So they thought they couldn't understand each other, both a bit scared about the possibility of being judged for their insecurities, on one side, or for their apparent lack of feelings and will to commit, on the other.

But at the end of the day, despite the differences, Jaemin loved his brother more than anything in the world, and wanted him to find happiness. And if his happiness was a Japanese weirdo who decided to come from another Country just to spend a few weeks with them, Jaemin was fine with it.

He heard a knock on the door.

«Hey, we’re here!» Jaehyun said loudly while opening the door. At the end of the narrow corridor, where the little living room was situated, Jaemin jumped off the sofa, ready to welcome the two guests. The house was dark, as it usually was after the curfew. They had elettric energy only during an hour of the day, when they were able to use running water, and charge the portable light that was the main source of illumination, helped by several candles, placed on the floor.

« _Can I come in?_ » Yuta said something in Japanese, echoed by Mark, before they welcomed themself inside the house.

«Welcome!!» With a burst of enthusiasm in his voice, Jaehyun’s little brother faced the corridor, smiling brightly at the two boys. «Oh, wow! It’s incredible you’re here, Yuta,» he said, «I’m so glad you two have arrived safe and sound, come in, come in, I’m gonna help you with your luggage.»

Yuta was pleased to see that even Jaemin had cotton candy pink hair, like Jaehyun. They really looked alike, somehow, even if the younger brother had big doe eyes, and sharper face features, probably due to the fact that he was thin, way more than his older sibling.

«You must be Mark,» Jaemin continued. «... And I’m Jaemin, by the way. Jaehyun’s brother.» He was an icebreaker of the best category. No tension neither embarrassment seemed to be allowed in his presence, and both Mark and Yuta really appreciated it. 

«Do you want to eat something?» Jaehyun asked as soon as Yuta sat down on the sofa, exhausted. «I... I would like to offer you to take a shower, but we don’t have running water right now, you know…»

«Don’t worry,» Yuta interrupted him, as soon as he glanced a bit of uneasiness in him, «we’re both really tired and I’d love to drink something cool, and then go to bed.» Mark agreed.

«... And you two will stay here, in Jae’s room.» Jaemin lit up a couple of candles. The weird round lanterns they were in – they looked like fish bowls – amplified the light. Yuta studied the objects with a spark of curiosity. He should buy something like that and bring it home, since reading in the night light of disposable lightsticks during the energy saving moments of the year ruined his eyesight.

Yuta looked around the room, exploring it with his eyes. It was very Jaehyun, very personal and cozy. Even if it looked really tiny with those two beds stuck in the center, Yuta imagined it might be a nice bedroom for one person. On the walls there were pictures and posters of artists Yuta didn’t recognise. On the shelves, plenty of books; and next to the huge window there was a wall piano.

  
  


_October 26th 2XXX_

_Dear Yuta,_

_I’m glad I’ve received your letter so fast! I’m excited to tell you about my dreams for the future since you shared yours with me ._

_It’s great you want to be an historian. I didn’t know anyone with this ambition and so it was a surprise for me reading about your interests. It’s nice you’d like to study more about audio recordings because my dream is related to that: I want to be a musician! I’d love to be able to play in the theaters, but even small pubs would be fine, as long as there’s someone to enjoy my music._

_My father got me a piano when I was really young, and I fell in love with it right away. I’m not a good musician at the moment, but I’m going to be one. What if one day I’ll be able to make you listen to some of my music? I don’t consider myself a composer yet, but I’m working on it. It’s the easier way I have to sort my thoughts and express my feelings. I think there’s a lot of myself in my way of playing and in my own music (ignoring the fact that it’s a bit pretentious of me to call it music, but as I said, I’m working on it)._

  
  


Jaemin was explaining to Mark how the running water worked, since he had to use the toilet, but he was too embarrassed to do it. As Yuta had noticed before, Jaemin was a very perceptive person, and immediately got what was making Mark feeling nervous. The latter started to laugh, turning red as a lobster, while Jaemin kept smiling at him, friendly, seraphic in his posture, gentle in his gestures.

Yuta was in the kitchen, a tiny room that overlooked the living room, grabbing a glass of water, before going to bed. He had his little candle in his hand, to light the way.

«Hey…» Jaehyun’s voice reached his ears. It was warm.

«Sorry, I didn’t even ask if I…»

«Are you kidding me? Make yourself at home, Yuta.»

«Thank you, it’s kind of you.» 

Jaehyun shook his head. They remained silent, looking at each other with an awkward smile on their faces. He lowered his eyes, unable to meet Yuta’s gaze. His heart was beating a little bit faster, his hands were suddenly a little bit sweatier. Jaehyun watched the other boy’s lips, in the weak candle light , he could see just half of the crescent moon of Yuta’s mouth.

Jehyun’s attempt to break the silence was interrupted by the noise of the glass Yuta put on the table. Jaehyun’s eyes snapped on it, distracted from the numbness of the stare.

Suddenly – unexpected and casual –, Yuta threw his arms around Jaehyun’s shoulders and hugged him, the candle still in his left hand dangerously. Jaehyun hugged him back.

«I’m so glad you’re real,» the latter muttered.

«I’ve always been.»

«Now you’re more real.»

«I can agree that now I feel like _we_ are more real.» And the way Yuta said “we” made Jaehyun’s heart skip a beat.


	3. The doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is still bugging Jaehyun.

«Don’t tell me you already have to work!» Jaemin shouted as soon as he realized Yuta wasn’t going to explore the city with the rest of the group.

«I’ll try to sort all the things out as soon as possible, so I will actually have time to enjoy the city. But today I’m just going to meet professor Kim, so I’m pretty sure I’ll have plenty of time to visit the city after noon.» Yuta sounded professional, less informal than the day before. Jaehyun was laying his elbows on the table, watching him with a curious expression on his face. He remembered some old letters. They were young at the time and they ended up talking about being themselves. Out of nowhere, Yuta wrote something about that topic in one letter and Jaehyun wrote something back about the matter.

They were talking about the struggle of being confident and being faithful to their true self even in social situations in which it was difficult doing so. Yuta, in particular, said something about his need to be more serious at University, because he had the feeling that people weren’t taking him seriously. Yuta was clearly preparing himself to meet his collegue, and seeing him being so professional while talking about his job made Jaehyun smile.

«We can walk you there, and then we're gonna show Mark the city!» 

When Yuta asked Mark to help him to go to Korea as soon as possible because he wanted to meet his pen pal, Mark thought his friend just became funny in the head.

«It will take us at least… a year. You know that.»

«I don’t have a year, Mark,» Yuta said, dead serious. He went to Mark’s studio, and started to walk back and forth from the door to the window behind Mark’s desk.

«Why are you suddenly in a hurry?»

«You won’t understand.» He took off his glasses to clean the lenses with his T-shirt.

«I guess I won’t help you then,» Mark said, challenging the other.

Yuta glanced at him, and he sat on one of the chairs in front of his friend’s desk. He crossed his legs. «I’m gonna spill it only if you promise you’ll help me.»

«I’m your best friend, I have the right to know anyway.»

«You’re my best friend, I don’t want you to think less about me, and I feel like you will.»

«It’s not possible.»

«I’d love to trust you.»

«Tell me what’s going on.»

Yuta remained silent for about three whole minutes. The two men stared at each other waiting for something to happen. Mark was used to Yuta’s bizzare ideas. One time, Mark was forced to go with Yuta on a two weeks road trip around the North of Japan, because the latter wanted to travel to all the places that were mentioned in a book he read, and he didn’t even like that much. Another time they almost blew up Yuta’s apartment because he wanted to try an alchemic recipe he read about in a book he got from the library. Useless to say the recipe was absolutely not scientific in any aspect and they almost killed themselves. 

«I have the feeling Jaehyun is getting tired of me.»

«Oh.» Unexpected. Sometimes Mark found himself being jealous of Yuta’s and Jaehyun’s friendship. Their relationship was very peculiar, from the way it was born, grown and because Yuta has always been so fond of Jaehyun, it almost seemed like no one else could have been compared to him, not even Mark, who was the closest person to Yuta. 

«Why?»

«The letters. They’re rushed. He used to answer in a week or so, but now he writes back after weeks.» He looked worried.

«He’s probably busy, Yuta. You’re not children anymore, you don’t have all the time of the day to write letters to a friend.» 

«He talks a lot about a woman, also.»

«It’s not the first time, as far as I know.» But then Mark stopped. He frowned. «Excuse me? Yuta… Don’t tell me you’re jealous.»

«I KNEW IT!» He jumped on his feet, throwing his arms in the air. «You’re already judging me, I knew it!»

«Sit down, dude. So you _are_ jealous, and I’m surprised.»

«I… I’m _not_ jealous. I’m… I just have the feeling he’s getting tired of our friendship, okay? I have the strong feeling he’s going to cut me out of his life if I don’t do something. If I don’t try to make it real.»

«You’re just overthinking…»

«And you’re just giving me proof that you cannot understand.»

«Yuta, please, be reasonable…»

«I AM reasonable, and I thought about it a lot. I have a plan, but I need your help. I talked to professor Kim about it and he’s willing to work with me, he’s going to cooperate, but I _need_ your help. I need you.» Mark opened his mouth one time, then another, breathing deeply while trying to find the right words to confront him, but he couldn’t find them.

«Listen, Mark. You’re the only person on this planet that can help me right now. It can be the chance for you to go visit Korea. How many times have you told me you wanted to go? This is your chance: take it.»

«This is crazy, Yuta. C-r-a-z-y. You’re aware that the only way I have to fasten the process is to lie to the Government. Or to ask for my father’s pass. And it’s not fair. I won’t play the cheater role, you know I’m an honest wannabe ambassador and…»

«MARK!» Yuta slammed his palm on the desk, and then he fell back on the chair, his weight falling dead against the seat. He looked like an empty bag. «Try to understand…»

«Yuta, do you realise you want me to help you to go to another Country – that it’s possibly one the most difficult things to do nowadays – because you want to meet your teenagehood pen pal?»

But when Mark lifted up his gaze to watch Yuta in the eyes, the latter had lowered his head. Suddenly kneeling in front of the desk, Yuta literally begged for help. With his hands joined over his head, Yuta was begging his best friend for help. And Mark couldn’t believe his eyes.

Yuta wasn’t that kind of person. Even during the lowest moments of his life – when his family left, when his mother told him she didn’t want to see him again, when Takuya cheated on him – he never, never, not a single time, begged for help, or compassion.

«Yuta…» Mark kneeled next to him. «Please…» he whispered, before realising Yuta was crying. Mark slowly put a hand on his back, and he was shaking.

«Mark… Help me. I don’t want to lose my chance,» Yuta said, his voice was shaking so bad it sounded like he was in physical pain.

Mark, careful and delicate, grabbed Yuta’s arms and put them around his own shoulders, forcing the man into a hug. «Come here,» he said, caressing his back, «you have more to tell, don’t you? Let’s have a chat, Yuta, I got you.»

«Professor Nakamoto, I’m honestly more than impressed.» Kim Doyoung had sparkles in his eyes. He was reading the brief summary of the research Yuta had worked on for years, and he couldn’t believe that the young man was able to collect all that information without leaving the Country once. It was incredible. Yuta studied both Japanese and Korean books and documents, and he organised all the materials with meticulous attention. While checking the whole bibliography, Doyoung was almost going to tear up.

«This is such an amazing job, professor. _I have not enough words to express how grateful I am to have you here working with me_.» Doyoung suddenly spoke in Japanese, Yuta smiled at him.

« _Your Japanese is really good, I’m impressed too_ ,» he said.

« _I'm really looking forward to working with you_. So, you told me you have a place to stay, am I right? You’re not paying for a hotel, I hope,» he said, concerned.

« _Don’t worry, as I said, a friend of mine is giving me hospitality_.»

«Is this friend a professor too?» Doyoung asked, a glimpse of curiosity in his voice. He should have minded his own business, but he was genuinely curious. How was it possible for a foreigner to have a friend in Korea? In one of their letters, Yuta told him a close friend of his was an ambassador, he never mentioned having direct connection to the Country.

«Oh, no! He... It may sound a bit weird, but he’s a pen pal I've been writing letters to since I was in highschool, when I started to study Korean. As you probably know, years ago it was common to write letters to people to learn a foreing language. We just managed to keep writing to each other for about twelve years.»

«That’s... strange, yes, but impressive. You’re a man full of surprises, professor Nakamoto.»

«Do you think ten days will be enough to work on the presentation?» Yuta asked, not a sign of hesitation in his manners, despite the fact he was extremely nervous.

«You already worked on it for your whole life. Don’t worry. I promise you the Committee will be impressed as much as I am.» Doyoung let a cheerful laugh run out of his mouth. «I can’t believe I met a researcher like you. _We will do great things together_.»

«We sure will, professor Kim.»

At first, Mark was a bit worried about spending a lot of time with Jaehyun and Jaemin alone, while Yuta was at University. He soon discovered that there was no reason to worry. In the span of a week, Mark felt at home around them. 

Jaemin decided to introduce Mark to his group of friends, an interesting bunch of young people, who seemed to be the punk brunch of the common fauna of Seoul. Jeno, a guy with a lovable crescent moon eyes smile, at first looked like a gangster or some kind of crazy delinquent, with his full leather outfit and a cross drawn on his face, under his right eye; meanwhile Haechan – the other guy Jaemin called "best friend" – looked like a fairy, he had sparkling glitter around the constellation of moles on his cheek, rainbow colored hair and pastel light blue outfits that made him look like he jumped out from a children comic book.

Yeji and Chaeryeong, the two girls of the group, happened to speak at the same time so frequently, Mark wondered if they were practicing that skill. Yeji, in particular, looked kind of intimidating in her aggressive dark make-up, and Mark wasn’t used to being surrounded by eccentric people, since his friends were politicians and academics. It felt weird and oddly nice at the same time.

«They’re sure taking their alone time,» said Haechan abruptly, before sipping his milkshake.

«What do you mean?» Jaemin asked, casually.

«Your bro and the prince of Osaka. You said Jae is walking him home from the University, but it takes almost an hour every day to take him here, while the University is twenty minutes from here. If you walk _extreeeeemly_ slow.»

Jaemin laughed, he must have noticed it too.

«Do you blame Jae? He waited years to have the chance to spend time with Yuta. And now he’s taking what he wants.»

«Do you think your friend has a crush on Jae?» Yeji and Chaeryeong spoke once again at the same time, scaring the shit out of Mark, who looked puzzled.

«You are too straightforward,» Jeno laughed.

«Cr-crush?» Mark didn't want to look embarrassed, but he was. «Yuta cares a lot about Jaehyun, of course…»

«But you don't think… or don't know if there are romantic feelings involved,» Haechan interrupted him.

«I…» Mark was confused. What were they talking about? They seem to know something he wasn't aware of.

«Guys, please. Listen… They think that my brother has a crush on Yuta. That's it. So they're pushing this weird agenda, because they're annoying. And they don't know how to mind their own business, apparently.»

«Oh, come on, Nana! You're curious too. And they would look cute together,» Chaeryeong said, smiling lightly.

«I don’t know, guys. Yuta is not so open about this kind of stuff, but he’s really fond of Jaehyun. I remember when he first started to talk to me about him… He had sparkles in his eyes,» Mark said, thoughtful. «He always says lots of nice things about Jaehyun’s sense of humor, about his habits, his talents. Sometimes it was hard to realize that they’ve never met in person. Jaehyun has always been a part of Yuta’s daily life even if he wasn’t there, I don’t know if it makes sense.»

Jaemin listened carefully to the boy’s words. He had the feeling he was lying and telling the truth at the same time, and he was trying to tell them something, without spilling too much.

«And you, Mark?» he said, out of the blue. «Why are you here.»

«I might say… I’m just here to have fun, Jaemin.»

  
  


_Dear professor Nakamoto,_

_I’m really glad to announce to you that the Committee was impressed by your (our? I’d love to take credit, if I can) idea, and they’ll be glad to help you to come here for the amount of time we discussed earlier. You might have already received an official telegram from the University secretary._

_As I told you, I’m willing to do everything it takes to make this research possible, even if I’m aware of all the difficulties we are going to face._

_I studied all the documents you sent me last month, and I hope your friend you mentioned will agree to help us out to fasten the process, but I can understand how questionable it might be to use certain kinds of connections to overcome the bureaucracy._

_Nonetheless I appreciate your enthusiasm and your desire to come here as soon as possible._

Days were passing by faster than expected.

Jaehyun didn’t think about it too much, even if the thought was in the back of his head constantly. Some days, when he had lessons at the academy, it was easy for Jaehyun to not think that he was wasting time that he could have spent with Yuta, but when the latter was working and Jaehyun was at home, waiting for him, frustration was hard to ignore. 

Even if he told Yuta he was happy about the fact he had the chance to work while being in Korea, sometimes he was pissed.

That whole trip was supposed to be the chance for the two of them to finally know each other for real, and to spend time together, but Yuta was devoting an incredibly annoying amount of time over his research.

He knew he was irrational. They still had the time to talk to each other and to do stuff together. They went to all the restaurants Jaehyun wanted to take him to, they went to the park, to the museums, they went shopping, they just laid down together on the sofa, staying comfortably in silence enjoying each other's presence. But was all of that enough? Jaehyun’s heart didn’t think so. He wanted more time with Yuta, and as soon as the boy told him that that Friday was the last day he would have spent with professor Kim, Jaehyun was relieved. 

«We’re gonna celebrate at Johnny’s tonight!» Jaehyun said. «There’s a little concert at the pub, so we can also enjoy nice music.»

«And dance!» said Jaemin right away, elbowing Mark.

«Oh, Jaem, please…» Jaehyun rolled his eyes. He didn’t like dancing.The mere idea of moving his limbs with other people around him made him uncomfortable.

«I love dancing, it will be fun,» said Yuta without hiding his enthusiasm.

«And he’s really good at it,» Mark pointed out.

«I’m not _that_ good, but I like doing it.»

“Jae, please, play for us!» said Jaemin, grabbing Mark and Yuta by their hands and guiding them to Jaehyun’s room. The older brother didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea, but Jaemin was already humming a song, cutely waving his body to the rhythm that was just in his head.

Jaehyun sat at the piano, he thought about what to play, caressing the keys, and then he started to play a danceable funk song. Jaemin smiled immediately jumping in place, quikly followed by Yuta. Mark stared at them for a while, laughing, before joining them.

Jaemin was jumping from Yuta to Mark, moving his head to the rhythm of the song, singing – it was better to say “shouting” – random lyrics he was inventing at the moment.

Yuta was beautiful, Jahyun thought when he raised his head to watch the three boys.

And then his eyes met Yuta’s. The latter smiled and stopped, just to enjoy for a while the very first time in which he was hearing Jaehyun’s music.

«I have a thing for you. I was waiting for the right moment to give it to you, but I can’t manage to wait any longer,» Yuta said, after he finished to get ready for the night out.

Jaemin and Mark were still working on their make-up, so Jaehyun and Yuta were left alone in the bedroom.

Jaehyun shot a curious look at the Japanese boy, who was looking for something in his big backpack. «Oh, here we go.»

«What’s that?»

«This is a recorder. Old school portable recorder. I think it was made more than one hundred years ago, but we’re still far from being able to date these objects with accuracy. We’re working on it. You know, since most of the historical archives were digital, after the First Solar Flare, everything got lost, and back in the days these kinds of devices weren’t a big deal, it was common for people to have them.» He gave the recorder to Jaehyun, after pressing a button that opened a tiny drawer, revealing a little plastic parallelepiped. «It’s a cassette. I have a few more. You can record music with that, the sound will be printed on the cassette and then you can listen to it again. I also brought a bunch of batteries. They’re not the same we use now, they’re too powerful. My friend Shotaro made some for this, and fixed it when I found it.»

«Oh.»

«You don’t like it.»

«Eh? No! I love it, it’s just… This looks precious, it belongs in a museum.»

«No, it belongs to a musician.»

Jaehyun studied the object, touching it carefully.

«Why don’t we produce these things again…»

«Who wants to invest in this kind of stuff when a solar flare can destroy society as we know it any day. But, hey,» he said as soon as Jeahyun looked sad, «we’re here enjoying the time we have, don’t we? I want you to have that recorder, so you can send me your music, and I can send you more cassettes when I find them.» He didn’t say that he didn’t have any device to listen to said music.

Johnny’s pub was crowded. The live music nights were really popular, since that was the only place in which people could listen to music and dance, in the whole neighborhood. For that night, Johnny and Taeyong prepared a special atmosphere, with warm lights and flowers put over every table and all around the main room. To celebrate the end of Yuta’s work at the University, Johnny made a special drink called “Osaka Prince”, that Yuta tried as soon as they arrived at the bar.

«This is great, Johnny! It’s so sweet.» Johnny smiled.

«I was inspired by your perfume,» he said, «okay, let’s say that was Yong’s idea. He said he liked your scent when we were in Busan, and suggested making a sweet flowery cocktail.»

Yuta laughed. «That’s nice.»

«Do you like it?» Taeyong asked as soon as he appeared from the crowd. «Come dance with us, Yuta! Mark is already slaying in the middle of the dancefloor!» He grabbed his hand and dragged him in the middle of the people that were dancing to the sound of the music played by a three piece band. 

One of them, Taeyng called him Jungwoo, was graciously playing a violin; Taeil, the singer, was occasionally playing a flute, and in the back of the stage, there was a blonde young drummer.

«He’s a foreigner,» Taeyong said, «he got a visa as a musician some years ago. He got a special loan at the music academy Jae is studying in. Just saying, you know… The possibility of staying here exists.» He smiled. He sounded subtle at the beginning, but Taeyong was a very straightforward person.

Yuta smiled back, and then he pointed at one of the tables next to the stage. 

«Should we go dance on top of it?»

«I knew I could count on you!» Taeyong gladly agreed, and the two boys got on the table, followed by Yeri, one of the girls who were regular at Johnny’s.

From there, Yuta could see Mark dancing a lil bit too close to Jaemin, watching the latter in the eyes, while moving without even attempting to follow the rhythm, since the song wasn’t the slow ballad the two of them seemed to dance.

He smiled. It was nice to see Mark having fun and getting closer to someone.

Since he was really young, Mark was taught if he wanted to have a brilliant career he should think about it and about it only. No distraction. 

Yuta decided to become Mark’s distraction. They met in foreing languages school, where they both started to study Korean when they were just teens. They quickly became friends: Yuta was a shy kid, but Mark was friendly enough to make him go out of his shell. Mark was seventeen when they made out the first time: it was weird, wet, messy, not the best first kiss a person can imagine, but they both have a lovely memory of that embarrassing moment. They were both safe, tender, deeply involved in their unexpected teenage crush, that never became an actual relationship. Later on, they understood that they were better as friends, and their mutual affection became a platonic love, a need to take care of each other and a mutual brotherly loyalty that grew stronger during the years. 

So now, knowing how disastrous the recent relationships Mark had were, seeing the boy being comfortable around Jaemin made Yuta feel slightly better about having forced Mark to go to Korea with him.

Yuta was distracted from his own thoughts because Taeyong grabbed his hands and made him dance with him again. They were moving following the music, letting their bodies get fluid like water, free as air.

Meanwhile, Jaehyun was in a corner of the picture.

Yuta tried to approach him several times during the night, but it seemed like he was always out of reach. Yuta could see him with the corner of his eyes. He was sitting at a table next to the counter, and he was chatting with a very attractive blonde woman. She had arrived at the pub around an hour before, and as soon as she spotted Jaehyun, she started talking to him with obviously flirty manners. Jaehyun seemed to enjoy her company, and Yuta didn’t want to interferire with whatever kind of relation the two of them had. He wanted to do it, though. He felt the need to go to their table, introduce himself, and ask Jaehyun to dance with him and give him attention.

It was supposed to be _their_ great first night out, Jaehyun said it, but probably Yuta misunderstood his words. It was a great first night out, but it didn’t mean that they had to spend time together as Yuta thought. 

«Excuse me, excuse me.» While Mark went to get a drink for the two of them, Jaemin walked through the crowd and arrived at his brother’s table. «Yongsun, you look beautiful tonight!»

«Little one,» said the woman, «thank you, you look great yourself! How are you doing?»

«I’m enjoying the night!» He smiled. «Can I steal my brother from you for a minute?»

«Oh, of course. I’m gonna get something to drink.» And then she left the brothers alone.

«What the fuck are you doing, Jae.»

«What do you mean?»

«Yuta. You left Yuta alone for the whole evening, what’s your problem?»

«Hey, first: calm down. And second, he’s having fun. What’s _your_ problem?!»

«He keeps staring at you, he's making me sad.»

Jaehyun moved his eyes, trying to find Yuta among the people that were still dancing.

«You like him, am I right?» Jaemin asked abruptly, his tone harsher than usual.

«Yes, of course! He’s my friend and…»

«You’re getting ridiculous. You like _like_ him, and you just wasted a chance to spend a fun night with him to flirt with a girl you can see every single day. He’s going to go back home in a week, Jaehyun. I’m not fucking going to let you cry on my shoulder because you’re an idiot.»

«I’m not flirting…»

«So you’re telling me you’re spending the whole night with a person you’re not even interested in instead of being there.» He pointed at the dance floor. «Dancing with the man you like?»

«I don’t like him.»

«I’m your brother, you don’t need to lie to me.»

«I’m… It’s just that I’m…» _Nervous_ , he wanted to say, but he didn’t. Yongsun arrived at the table again, holding two glasses of red wine. Jaehyun made a friendly expression while thanking her, but his mind was some meters away from them. He was nervous, because he didn’t want to make any kind of move and ruin everything they had. What if Yuta didn’t like him in the same way? He would have just come back to Japan and never written back to him again. And then? Jaehyun couldn’t imagine his life without Yuta’s letters, without knowing that he can count on him, even if he’s so far.

And then… There was the doubt. That thought he wasn't able to get rid of. What if Yuta was there only for the sake of his career? What if he just used his hospitality to have a chance to work with professor Kim? Yuta said several times that the main reason why he worked so hard for that trip was him, but could Jaehyun really believe his words? He always did in the past, letter after letter, he never doubted him, but that time he couldn’t manage to trust him.

They finished their drinks, Yongsun asked him to dance with her, and Jaehyun agreed, unable to say no to her big, teary eyes. But when they went closer to the musicians, Jaehyun noticed Taeyong was on his own at the bar counter, talking to Johnny. Mark was with Jaemin and his friends, but Yuta wasn’t in sight.

Excusing himself, he left Yongsun and went straight to Jaemin and touched his shoulder to get his attention, lowering himself to speak in his brother's ear.

«Where he is?»

«He went home less than a minute ago, you idiot.»

«What?»

«If you run you can catch him,» said Jeno, casting his signature smile that, in the moment, looked almost scary from Jaehyun’s perspective.

Nonetheless, he rushed out.

The night was warm, the sky was clear. Despite the non-existent artificial illumination, the night wasn’t dark, because the moon was big and bright and she was watching Yuta from afar. Yuta tried to approach Jaehyun several times that night.

First, he drank an Osaka Prince with him.

«It’s really… sweet,» he said, and obviously he wasn’t fond of it.

«Johnny said it was inspired by my perfume,» Yuta said, «do you think my perfume is too sweet, too?» The smirk on his face made Jaehyun play defensive.

«What? I… I didn’t say it! I like it, it suits you, I guess. But I prefer other kinds of flavors.»

«What if I taste sweet.»

Was it embarrassment? The tension on Jaehyun’s face looked like uneasiness.Yuta smiled, and quickly laughed, conscious of the wrong step he just took.

«I… I think I would like it, if it’s you.» But Jaehyun was looking around, studying the room in a blatant desperate attempt to find a way out from that conversation. And so he did, as soon as the band started to play.

Second, Yuta tried to ask him to dance.

When Taeyong went to the counter to spend some time with Johnny, Yuta decided to join Jaehyun and Donghyuck at the table. The younger one was still complaining about what happened the day before, when they met at Jaeheyun’s place to play some card games:

«YOU CHEATED!» he was shouting, making his voice overcome the music. «We all know I have the eighty percent winning ratio, and I’m sure you used some trick to win.» He slammed the beer mug on the table, laughing.

«Being able to cheat is still a skill, Hyuck. You should learn it too if you want to be known for having the hundred percent winning ratio,» said Yuta while taking a seat next to Jae. The latter laughed too.

«I’m a fair player, I don’t need tricks to beat a kid.» Yuta found the smirk on Jae’s face extremely intriguing.

« _A kid_?! Hey, you, old man! Mind your language,» that said, Donghyuck finished his beer, and after a brief chat, left the two men alone.

«Are you having fun?» the Korean man asked, playing with his glass of what seemed to be Whiskey.

«A lot. But I’m pretty sure there’s a way to make this night even better.»

A quizzical expression appeared on Jaehyun’s face, and Yuta smirked and turned to him with a clear request: a dance.

«I knew I couldn’t escape it!» Jaehyun laughed, but his ears were slowly becoming red. 

Yuta reached out to take his hand, ready to guide him to the rhythm of the music. Even if Jaehyun claimed once again he was not good at dancing, since he was a musician, Yuta was pretty sure that the other could at least move following the music, and it was enough for him. Of course, he wasn’t interested in the dance itself, he just wanted the moment. The attention. An excuse to whisper in his ears and softly touch his arms, hands, and maybe his hips if he had got the chance to go a little bit wilder.

But then a group of girls entered the pub and one of them greeted Jaehyun from afar. 

«We can dance later,» Yuta said. They didn’t dance.

Third, he stared at him.

Yuta glanced at him during the whole evening, moved by the desire to catch Jaehyun staring at him too. But that didn’t happen either. 

Maybe he didn’t read the room the right way, maybe there was nothing to read from the very beginning, and he just let his own wants cloud reality.

He noticed he had teary eyes. Was he really going to cry for a rejection that didn’t even happen in the first place? He smiled, hit by the pain he felt in his chest. It was childish of him to be so upset about literally nothing. They were friends. Best friends, according to some of the letters they sent each other, and there’s not a single reason to be sad about how that trip was going. They talked a lot, spent every single moment together when Yuta was not at University, they did all those little things they wanted to do together, from going to the grocery shop to cooking a traditional Korean meal together, so… Why? Why was he so hurt and why was he feeling so disappointed by one night, just a few hours that didn’t go as he expected.

And then he heard some footsteps.

«Yuta! Yuta! Wait! We’re going home together.» Jaehyun ran to him, and Yuta stopped, giving him the chance to catch his breath.

«Hey… You should’ve stayed there, I know the way and Jaemin gave me the keys.»

«What? I want to go home with you.»

Yuta nodded, and they started walking, shoulder to shoulder.

«That woman is really beautiful,» said Yuta casually, after too many minutes of silence.

«Yongsun? Yes, she’s really cute,» Jaehyun replied, wondering why Yuta chose to talk about her.

«You should have stayed with her, she seemed interested in your company.» His voice sounded cold.

«But I’m not interested in hers!» Too quick, too harsh, Jaehyun tried to dodge the bullet. «I mean, she’s gorgeous and I like her company, but she’s just a friend, we’re friends...I mean, there’s nothing more than a nice friendship between us!»

«I see. It didn’t look like it anyway.» Yuta stopped. «Listen, I don’t want to interfere with your daily life. Go back and enjoy your night, don’t mind me.»

«But you are part of my daily life!» Again, the answer crawled out from his mouth too quickly. «You were part of my daily life even when you were far, now that you’re here you’re just more… real, you know. And I like it.»

Yuta smiled, but he looked sad anyway.

«You’ve always been part of my daily life too, Jaehyun.»

There was tension between them, it was heavy and touchable, and it was impossible to ignore.

«But tell me what’s wrong, Jae,» said Yuta abruptly with an aggressive tone of voice, suddenly moved by a wave of anger probably generated by said tightness. Jaehyun was surprised, he didn’t expect the other to say something like that out of nowhere, and he didn’t even expect to hear that tone coming from his gentle mouth.

But something was wrong between them, in that specific moment, and Jaehyun knew it was better to just let it out now that they were alone, instead of dragging it for longer, foiling the possibility of ruining the last week they had to spend together.

«I… Ehm… See, Yuta, I don’t know how to say it.»

«Just say it, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I need to know.»

«Why did you come here?»

Yuta frowned. 

«Why did you come here, Yuta.»

«To see you in person, to spend time with you.» His eyes betrayed his attempt to act calm. They talked about that topic several times, but Jaehyun seemed to never be satisfied by that answer.

«And the University? The research? And professor Kim?» He was nervous, and the disappointment in Yuta’s glance made the tension grow stronger, thicker, heavier.

«I can’t believe you’re really back at this.»

«You seem so focused on your job I doubt you’re really here for me at this point.»

«Is your trust in me that low, _damn it_.» It was the first time Yuta used Japanese while talking to Jaehyun, and the latter noticed it immediately. At first, he thought it was because Yuta was getting angry, but as soon as he studied the latter’s face, Jahyun knew it was just frustration.

Was it stupid of him to bring that argument up again? Probably. But the doubt was there, circling him like a vulture its prey, ticking his anxiety constantly, for an unspeakable reason he knew well, deep inside.

«No! It’s not a matter of trust, it’s…»

«What!» Yuta interrupted him. «What is it, Jaehyun. You… You are…»

«Stupid? Childish?»

«You’re the embodiment of all the important things in my life,» he started, not looking at Jaehyun anymore. «Do you know how much time it takes for a person to go to another Country without a valid reason? Forever, Jaehyun. There was no way for me to come here _just_ to meet you. And you know how much time it takes for a person with a professional reason to go to another Country? If you’re not an ambassador, a politician, or an extremely rich person, it might even take years. Years, Jae. I worked my ass off to come here. And you were my main motivation from the very beginning.» He started to walk front and back. «I wanted to learn Korean so bad when I was a kid, and when I got to know you I improved faster than I could have imagined because I wanted to be able to talk to you. When we started to get along, my passion for the history of your Country grew so strong in me I knew – I knew it from the very beginning – I wanted to be an historian, I wanted to study to come to your Country and have this chance to meet you. You were my motivation, you are my motivation. I love my job, I love what I’m doing so deeply the idea of failing or not being enough hurts me. And if I’m so passionate it’s also thanks to you.» His eyes were sparkling under the moonlight. «I’m sorry if I didn’t make it clear. The last two weeks were overwhelming, Jae. I’m sorry if I let you down.» 

Jaehyun didn’t know what to say. He felt Yuta’s words in his chest, he felt those words on his skin, a caress of reassurance and tenderness.

«No… You… You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one that’s supposed to be sorry. I trust you, I promise. I’m… really glad you told me those things, I really… I really do appreciate them.»

Yuta was looking at the sky, Jaehyun wondered if he was doing it because he was fascinated by that carpet of stars, or because he was trying to hide the tears. He chose the first option.

«Since we have a couple of hours before the curfew… What about going to watch the stars together in a special place? I know you’re tired, but we can rest under the sky, for a while. It won’t take long.»

Yuta had big hazel eyes, they were still sparkling and it seemed like the stars at which he was staring before had fallen into them. Maybe there was no reason to stargazing, when the whole universe was held in those irises.

«I would love to.»

Jaemin was rolling a joint. He was sitting on the chair on the little balcony, enjoying the late night breeze, while waiting for his drunkenness to slowly fade away. He had fun that night, and he had the feeling that his brother was having fun too, since he and Yuta didn’t come back home as they said when they left the pub. 

Mark appeared from the door window the moment Jaemin was lighting up the joint: «Can I join?» he asked, and Jaemin nodded.

Mark went outside and lifted up his head, watching the sky. He wasn’t used to that darkness. The little candle next to the chair and the bright big moon in the sky were the only lights that were trying to cut the deep darkness of the night.

«Do you want to…?» Jaemin pointed at the smoke with his head and Mark agreed to give it a shot. «Come here.» 

Jaemin tapped on his legs with the free hand, inviting the other boy to sit on his lap. Mark watched the boy for a brief instant, thoughtful, and then he got closer and, clumsy because of the alcohol, sat heavily on Jaemin’s lap.

«Hey, big boy, be careful,» the latter laughed.

«Oh, sorry sorry sorry,» Mark laughed too, «you looked too cozy to resist.»

Mark took the joint between his thin fingers, and put it graciously between his lips. Jaemin’s eyes followed that movement, conscious of the fact that the other was intentionally trying to be seductive while doing that simple gesture.

That night, something clicked between the two of them and Jaemin liked it.

Mark blew out the smoke and then reached out a hand to put the cigarette between Jaemin’s lips. The boy licked his lower lip and then opened his mouth, ready to take a drag, keeping his eyes on Mark’s. After it the two boys kept staring at each other in silence, Jaemin’s hand casually caressing Mark’s waist.

«You know, Mark Lee, you look stunning.»

«You do too.»

When the smoke between their mouths faded away, even the distance disappeared. With the blessing of the moon, they kissed.

  
  


_April 4th 2XXX_

_But you know what? I’m not even worried this time. Jeno is a really nice guy, and they were good friends before becoming boyfriends, so I’m sure he will take good care of my brother._

_Jaemin has always been a very confident person, at least compared to me._

_He told me he just asked him out, without even thinking about rejection. I asked him if he was somehow sure that Jeno would have accepted to go out with him, but he just said that he didn’t, he just took the risk._

_I’m not like him, not even a bit. If I were him, I know I would be devoured by doubts: what if I get rejected? What if I ruin my friendship? What if the person I like doesn’t want to see me ever again?_

_Is love worth the risk, Yuta? I’d like to know, but since I’ve never experienced it I can just try to imagine myself feeling something so strong to risk it all for someone._

_But if you love so much you’re ready to go for it with all you’ve got… How hard are you going to fall if something goes wrong?_

They walked for about twenty minutes. The special place Jaehyun talked about was an old abandoned factory in which people used to organise clandestine parties ignoring the curfew laws. It was an old structure, the pavement was completely shattered, the walls were stripped of the plaster, pale cement and dust everywhere, and the only sign of the past presence of doors and windows were the frames. They took the stairs and they carefully reached the top floor. Yuta followed Jaehyun, who seemed to know perfectly where to put his feet to avoid slipping or to step on a yielding step.

Yuta was a bit confused by that location choice. On a side, that place was fascinating, because on the wall there were paintings made by talented artists – the one who caught his eyes the most was an angel with long hair, that was levitating over something that looked like a lake –, but apart from that, it was just an abandoned building. However, when they reached the top floor, Yuta understood perfectly why Jaehyun wanted to go there so bad: the sky from that particular place was amazing. 

The deep darkness was coloured by an uncountable number of stars, the big silver moon seemed even brighter than before, and not a single cloud was disturbing their view. 

«I don’t recognise constellations and stuff,» said Yuta, with his nose still pointed at the sky, «but I love the view.»

«Come here,» Jaehyun whispered, looking almost worried to speak too loud and ruin the atmosphere, «we can sit here, and I can tell you how to recognise the stars. I’m pretty sure that that one, the really bright one there, it’s called Nakamoto.» Yuta laughed. «The brightest star in my eyes.»

«Why are you suddenly being cheesy?»

«Did it make you uncomfortable?»

«Oh, not at all.» While they were sitting down on a bunch of cushions people probably left there after one of their parties, Jaehyun casually grabbed Yuta’s hand. It was small, smaller than his at least, and soft. Yuta’s skin felt good under his touch. 

Time stopped while they were there. Yuta followed Jahyun's index finger when he was pointing at the stars, patiently explaining how to orient yourself in the sky. Jaehyun's voice was deep and calm, Yuta could recognise some glimpse of excitement and nervousness in his tone of voice, and the disappointment of a few hours before felt like an old memory, something that didn’t even feel real anymore. Jaehyun’s presence was pleasing, encompassing, overwhelming.

Their hands were still linked together, making the two boys' connection more physical, direct, strong.

They didn’t know how much time had passed when Yuta was talking about that one time he saw fireflies while hiking in a forest and Jaehyun heard a weird noise coming from the building.

«There’s someone here,» he said abruptly. He stood up in a second, and ran towards the railing, to watch at the street. «The fucking police.» He took a quick look at his watch, and ran back to Yuta, grabbing his hand again and helping him to stand up. «The curfew started one hour ago.»

Yuta knew he should be worried, but the look on Jaehyun’s face wasn’t worried at all, and the only thing that was running between them was excitement. They were together, outside, in the middle of the night after the start of the extremely strict Seoul curfew. They were holding hands, and their hearts were beating in unison. They smiled.

«I think we should try to escape the authorities together.» There was fun in Yuta’s voice, and he didn’t hold back when Jaehyun said to trust him on that, and started to run back into the building.

From one of the lower floors flashed the light of a torch. Jehyun checked out the stairwell and then nodded at Yuta to follow him downstairs. 

They were trying to stay silent, but they found themselves giggling as soon as they heard one of the police officers shouting: «Who’s there?» Before pointing the torch in their direction.

They were two grown adults, and they were playing the game of cat and mouse with a couple of officers that could put them into jail for the mere fact that they were hanging out too late in the night.

«There,» Jaehyun whispered when he realized the officers were almost on the same floor as them. He pushed Yuta in a corner, and then made him lie down behind a brickwork.

When the lights of the officers’ touches were illuminating straight over their heads, Jaehyun was lying over Yuta, pressing his body on the other’s after he said he was doing it to “hide him better”. They both stood still, waiting for the police to just leave them be, and give them the chance to go out from that building without having to spend the rest of the night in jail.

They waited until the way was clear, but then they waited a little more. Yuta put his arms around Jaehyun’s neck and, staring at his eyes, just said: «Since it’s already late, can we stay here a little longer?»

It was pitch dark, so Yuta didn’t see how red the other boy’s ears were at that moment. They were lying on the cold naked floor, and they were hugging.

«Does your back hurt?» Jaehyun asked.

«No, I feel fine.»

«I feel fine too, now.»


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A special letter.

_April 16th 2XXX_

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_I don’t think love is scary. Love is not supposed to be scary, because when you’re in love with someone you don’t have fear of them. In the big spectrum of emotions, fear is so far from love it’s almost its opposite._

_I agree, to some extent, that the process of falling in love might be scary; maybe it’s even supposed to be scary._

_When you’re falling for someone, as the words themselves suggest, you’re actually in free fall towards the unknown: you don’t know if your feelings are reciprocated, you don’t know if the sacrifices you’re making are going to be worth it, you don’t know if the passion you’re feeling will last._

_And passion is an important matter in the process of falling in love: passion is hot, dangerous. You’re burning with passion because when you’re falling for someone you’re just alone surrounded by flames. And they’re scary, they are raging violently against you. And during the growth of your feelings for another person, you’re alone, because the process of getting to love someone is a very intimate and lonely experience._

_When you’re falling in love you can experience worries and fears and pain. Will it last? If we promise each other now that we will be together forever, will we be able to keep that promise?_

_And you may also ask yourself for how long you’ll be able to experience that burning passion that guides you towards your significant one. Will it last or it will just burn fast and then be gone forever._

_Those things explain why kisses felt incredible at the beginning; why sex is so overwhelming the first times. Because all that loneliness and fear disappears in the moment we have a sign that we’re not really alone. That there’s another person who’s living the chaos of falling like we do. They’re falling for us while we’re falling for them._

_However, that turmoil – from my perspective, at least – is not actual love. It’s what comes before love, it’s what it takes to experience the true essence of love._

_Love is compromise, patience, intimacy, mutual work for the common aim of fulfilling that promise of loving each other forever._

_Love is accepting that sometimes things are not as we expected them to be, but they’re still beautiful. Love is kissing lazily on a couch, in silence, just because being together is enough to feel happy. Love is suffering not because of the other, but because of the difficulties people have to face during everyday life._

_When I think about love, I think about plans._

_There was a time in which I asked myself if I really was still in love with a person, because I noticed I wasn’t moved anymore by that burning hot passion I mentioned before. So I gave myself time to think, and I ended up confirming to myself I was still in love because all my plans involved the person I was in love with.There was no future without them, not a single plan in my life that wasn’t involving them. There wasn't a new house without them, a job in another city if they couldn't move with me, or holidays without them with me._

_Love is a very practical thing, it’s not only romanticism. Romance is a part of the promise, but it can’t be the only fuel of the relationship._

_Love is not supposed to hurt, to scare, but it requires effort. It’s the most natural feeling, the most ancestral, and even if we, as human beings, all lean towards love, we surely have to work for it._

_So, I believe you would appreciate the idea of love a little bit more, if you'll start to think about falling in love and being in love as two different phases. They’re both beautiful and overwhelming in their own way, but the first one is destined to end at some point. But please, Jaehyun, don't be scared of that ending. When you stop falling you can lean on the tight hug of love, the pure one. And every single moment of being in love is worth it to be lived._

The rest of the letter was a collection of anecdotes, as usual, but the first part of the writing, a direct answer to the previous one written by Jaehyun, was enough for the latter to… understand.

He was in love with him. He was falling in love with a person who lived in another Country, in an era in which travelling from a Country to another was the last thing a person was thinking about. Jaehyun knew it was crazy. He fell in love with the black ink of the thin pen Yuta used to write him, he fell for the words he carefully chose, and he fell from that large smile, white straight teeth, plumped pink lips, he saw in one of the few pictures the Japanese boy sent to him.

As Yuta said, the process of falling in love was scary. And that was probably the reason why, for Jaehyun it became more and more difficult to write back to him. He needed more time to think about the words to use, he needed more time to think about what he wanted to tell him. He tried to provoke him, somehow, to find a way to sort of feel each other out, before saying anything stupid and ruining their friendship.

But…How? How can you be in love with someone you’ve never met in person. Someone you will probably never meet. How can you be in love with the description of habits and mannerism and the picture that said things made you build in your own head.

As far as he knew, according to years of scrabble, Yuta was a quiet person, who loved studying, reading, and spending time on his own. He used to bite his nails, occasionally, and he liked drinking beer. He also liked earrings, piercings and weird hair colours, even if, for academic reasons, he had to look serious and professional. Jaehyun knew that Yuta didn’t like his laugh, because it was big and loud, so he had the habit to cover his mouth. 

Jaheyun collected all those little details and created a Yuta look-alike in his own mind. A beautiful, caring, smart man, so smart to perfectly learn a foreing language and being magic with words, so incredible and special to steal the heart of a boy whose heart had never been stolen before.

* * *

  
  


Yuta was a good observer. 

During the time he has spent at Jaehyun’s, Yuta watched him with the express purpose to learn more about him and to figure out how much of the idea of him he made during their correspondence was real. Jaehyun was clumsy, as Yuta assumed from the ink stains on the letters and the messy calligraphy. He was friendly, gentle, comfortable to be around with, as Yuta imagined him to be according to the way he used to phrase thoughts and topics in his letters.

Yuta knew Jaehyun loved his brother deeply, even before seeing him pick up the younger from the sofa, asleep and slightly drunk, to put him in his bed, watching him fondly, with a caring smile on his lips that Yuta easily learned to appreciate.

Yuta discovered Jaehyun’s ears turned red when he was embarrassed. He mentioned it in several of his letters before, but Yuta didn’t expect his ears to be so red and so often. He found it cute.

He wanted to watch all those little things and remember them. While he was free falling for Jaehyun, he was perfectly aware that if he really wanted “to risk it all for him” (using the same words that Jaehyun chose for talking about love) he had to be sure to like him as the person he truly was, and not only as the ideal Jaehyun he built up in his head.

He was studying him, with care and attention. He was silently making sure to have taken the right decision.

_Dear Yuta,_

_Will I make you uncomfortable if I tell you that your last letter did something to my heart?_


	5. A bunch of words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night they find each other.

The way Jaemin lazily kissed Mark’s cheek during the whole trip to Jeju Island made Jaehyun blush more than one time.

Almost ten hours of tiny casual kisses that seemed to embarrass only the elders, leaving the other two younger boys unbothered. Yuta had a lot of questions to ask Mark, but he decided to leave them for the twelve hours trip back home that was waiting for them at the end of the week.

That morning, before the departure, Yuta received a telegram from professor Kim and a gloomy expression took the place of the peaceful smile he had before. He didn’t talk about it, so everyone let him be until they arrived at the port and they got on the ferryboat, that seemed to put him back in a good mood.

Jaehyun rented an apartment near the Jeju beach of that week. He saved money for months to be able to afford that accomodation. A tiny kitchen was in the back of a small living room, the two couple bedrooms were so small the beds occupied almost the whole space, and the bathroom was so tiny it was nearly impossible for two people to stay in it at the same time.

But it was still a very cute place. From the big window in the living room it was possible to see the sea, and Yuta seemed to be really excited about it. As much as he was excited about the front porch, decorated with flowers and colored festones and small flags, that looked like the remnants of a passed birthday party. 

«This place is adorable, I love it,» Yuta said smiling at the other three boys while checking out the pictures framed on the walls — all of them were portraits of tourist attractions of the island.

Jaehyun finally could relax. Before getting to know Yuta a little bit better, Jaehyun was really worried about the place he chose for that week of vacation, as much as he was worried of having him at his place, since he was more than aware he couldn afford to offer any kind of luxurious accomodation to Yuta and Mark.

He discovered quickly – and thankfully – that that was another one of his absolutely useless worries. Yuta was excited by every little thing, he was treasuring every detail, and Jaehyun found himself thinking that it was very… _Yuta_ of him.

«Tonight there will be a party on the beach,» said Jaemin as soon as he and Mark came back from the groceries store. «With a bonfire and everything. The girl we met looked super excited about it.» He showed a flyer of the event, with a handmade drawing of a bunch of people dancing around a fire on it.

«It sounds like a plan!» Jaehyun replied, in an overenthusiastic tone that made the other three look at him with puzzled expressions. 

«I didn’t know you were a fan of parties on the beach,» said Mark, making Jaehyun blush. 

«I am not, but I’m pretty sure we’ll have a chance to have fun, and we’re here for it. Am I right?»

«You are. Let’s eat something and get ready for tonight.» Yuta smiled, and Jaehyun wanted to smile back, but he couldn’t. Because he was hit by the love for that particular bright smile. Jeahyun noticed that when Yuta felt something, he really seemed to feel it in the deepest way: that smile was a blatant representation of his will to have fun, of his excitement about that sudden plan. Jaehyun loved it. He loved how simple and clean was his approach to his own feelings.

The night was warm, even next to the sea. A gentle wind was caressing their hair and kissing their faces when the four boys were getting to the party. They could see the crowd and the light of the fire not so far from them. They could hear the music, played by a live band coming from that same direction.

Yuta’s steps were sinking into the sand, but he wasn’t paying too much attention to it, since he couldn’t stop looking at the clear sky – not to mention, he was still thinking about the night he and Jaehyun spent together, watching the stars – and then further, at the bamboo torches stuck in the grund to light the path to reach the bonfire.

«Hey.» Mark elbowed Yuta.

«Hey,» Yuta said, putting his arm around Mark’s shoulder, hugging him while walking.

« _How do you feel, you seem really relaxed tonight_.» Mark spoke in Japanese, for the first time in the last couple of days, since they were constantly with people who didn’t speak Japanese and they didn’t want to be disrespectful.

« _I am. You need to tell me about you and Jaemin, it was unexpected_.»

Mark giggled: « _I didn’t expect it either_ !» He took a brief pause, and then he spoke again: « _Okay, you know, he_ … _he asked me if I wanted to have fun, and told him I wanted to. And then we kissed at some point._ »

« _Very specific, thank you_.»

« _I know it’s not, but there’s nothing more to say about it. And I like it. He’s lovely, fun, and extremely handsome… Wow, I mean… Who could’ve expected that Mark could meet an awesome dude that just wants to casually make out_.»

Yuta shook his head.

« _I would’ve expected that. You’re a beautiful man and_ …»

« _Oh, okay okay okay, please! Don’t start with the compliments because you know it makes me feel fucking embarassed. I’m sure this thing with Nana is giving me… Lil bit more confidence. I thought I would never feel desired._ » He giggled again, clearly not at ease while talking about that topic. « _The way Nana looks at me really makes me feel wanted. It’s a nice feeling_.»

« _It’s cute you’re calling him Nana_.» Yuta looked at Mark with affection. He felt a strange burning sensation in his heart: he was nervous, but happy for his friend. He thought probably he was just sharing the nervousness he noticed in Mark’s voice while he was talking. He sounded worried, and Yuta was too by reflex.

It was the first time Mark was with a boy again, after a long time, but it was also the first time he was doing something casual like that, and Yuta felt, from his way of phrasing those words, that maybe, just maybe, Mark was scared to miss Jaemin once they’ll get back home.

« _But listen, dude, how about Jaeh…_ » But Mark was interrupted by Jaemin.

«Are you two going to pay attention to us, or are you going to spend the whole night gossiping?» The boy laughed brightly and put an arm around Mark’s waist.

«We were talking shit about you!»

«I knew it! Little cutie Mark is instead a malevolous Nana hater!!» Mark laughed too, hugging the younger back.

«I’m surprised to see friendly neighbour Yuta being so involved in gossiping,» said Jaehyun while walking backwards to face the others.

«I was almost going to tell Mark what happened last night between us.» Yuta smirked, and gloriousy watched Jaehyun’s expression drop. He could imagine his ears turning red, but the darkness around them hid it.

«What?? What happened??» Jaemin stopped. «Yuta-san, you’re gonna tell your little brother Jaemin what happened, am I right?»

«SHUT UP!» Too loud, as usual, too nervous. «Nothing happened, he’s just teasing me.»

«So it was nothing to you… I see.» Yuta pouted, his big hazel eyes sparkled under the moonlight.

«Yutaaaa,» Jaehyun cried, «of course it was _something_ , but…»

«So something really happened!» Mark said in a very loud tone of voice, since they were really close to the party and the music was covering their voices.

Happily for Jaehyun and his embarrassment, they quickly reached the little gazebo in which they were selling drinks, and as fast as he could, he went to buy alcohol for the whole bunch.

The beach was beautifully arranged to create a warm and welcoming atmosphere: a crown of lanterns was placed around the gazebo, bamboo torches surrounded the area in which people were dancing, their feet moving on the sand at the rhythm of the rockabilly live music.

  
  
  


_May 5th 2XXX_

_Dear Yuta,_

_sorry if I took more time than usual to answer your letter. I've been really busy recently. As I mentioned last time… I finally got into the music academy!! The classes started and I’m feeling GREAT. The piano lessons are really hard, and the competition is really tough already, and we’re just at the beginning._

_I’m excited. I feel I've finally got my chance to prove myself and my family this kind of career is worth all the sacrifices I made._

_And you know, Yuta, you helped me a lot. Your words motivated me to not give up even when I thought that I couldn't give myself a second chance. When I was going through the selection process once again I was extremely nervous. And maybe my letters didn’t point that out, but I consider myself a very confident person, so it was unusual for me to feel this bad about my own abilities. But, before every test and every interview, I found a way to feel less nervous: I read the letter you sent me after my first attempt._

_“We’re not our failures”, you told me. “We are passion”, “the past doesn’t exist”._

_I kept repeating those words over and over again, and I believed every single one of them._

_I took this little step to reach my aim thanks to you. It’s a win for both of us, because you were with me during all the difficulties and all the moments in which, without your presence,_

_I would’ve felt lonely, and lost._

_So, thank you, Yuta. For everything you’ve done for me, even if you’re far away._

_Also, being surrounded by all these musicians made me think even more about the deep connection I have with music._

_I’d really love to listen to music with you, one day. Maybe I even thought that it would be cool to dance with you (I’m laughing writing this because I’m a very bad dancer). You mentioned once, if I remember it correctly, that you love dancing. It would be nice to see you dance while I’m playing the piano, or even going to a pub and dance together — despite the fact, I’m not a huge fan of dancing, and I’m really bad at it. I know I already said that, but I want to make it clear because I’m sure one day we will meet, so you need to be ready to see me looking like a wooden stick on the dancefloor…_

  
  


And that night, they did it.

Following the rhythm of the music, they moved their bodies next to each other, they jumped, they screamed random words when the singer asked them to hype the songs. 

Jaehyun wasn’t, indeed, a good dancer, but he wasn’t as bad as Yuta expected him to be. He was, for sure, a little bit distracted, but it wasn’t because of his inability to move his body. Jaehyun couldn’t stay focused because his eyes kept studying Yuta’s shoulders in full display thanks to the black tank top he was wearing. But he wasn’t alone in this, since Yuta’s eyes kept falling into Jaehyun’s unbuttoned white shirt. The long necklaces the boy wore around his neck were caressing his chest and Yuta needed to force himself to not stare at them.

Jaehyun lied when he said that nothing happened the night before.

When they arrived home, right before opening Jaehyun’s home door, they hugged for the umptheet time. They couldn’t stop hugging, Yuta’s hands kept trying to reach for Jaehyun's shoulders and Jaehyung grabbed the other man's waist multiple times, hugging him tightly and tightly, moved by the need to feel the other closer. And they both felt it, that tension between them. It was real, and it was mutual, and for the first time since they met they were both sure, even without saying it out loud, that they both wanted that contact. The only little piece that was still missing in the puzzle was the reason why they wanted it.

Jaehyun was building a whole castle of assumptions.

Maybe he imagined that tension and he was also making up the fact that it was reciprocated. Maybe Yuta, as Johnny said weeks ago, wanted only to get laid, and he was trying to have a slow approach. Maybe, Yuta was inspired by Mark and Jaemin and wanted to try to start a weird flirting and touching and kissing thing with him. Jaehyun told himself he would have been happy with the last two options, but it was a lie. He wanted more. He wanted feelings, mutual feelings, since he was sure to already feel quite a lot of emotions for his Japanese friend.

In the end, his eyes were still roaming around Yuta’s body. When he lifted his arms to clap his hand, following the music, Jaehyun spotted his belly, indulging for too much time over his happy trail. He needed to do something. He also needed another drink.

And it was around the fifth drink of the night, that Jaemin and Mark weren’t in sight anymore, and Jaehyun was not able to stay away from Yuta anymore. He rested his head on Yuta’s shoulder, starting their hugging-game again, his hands on the other’s waist, gently touching his skin with the fingers under the tank top.

«I want to do a thing,» wisheped Jaehyun. «I have wanted to do it since the beginning of the night, and that’s...» he made a dramatic pause, «...That’s the right moment.»

«Do what you want, baby.» Jaehyun tried to ignore that pet name Yuta started to use after his third drink. He liked it, it was nice to be called “baby” by that man, with his strong foreing accent, his bright and sexy voice.

«I’m gonna do it then,» he said, and he kissed Yuta’s shoulder. His lips were touching Yuta’s hot skin, one, two, three times. He left tiny little kisses all over Yuta’s uncovered skin, licking his own lips right after, to taste the saltiness of his sweat.

Jaehyun was too dizzy to expect any kind of reaction, and so he just enjoyed Yuta’s hand in his bright pink hair.

«Do it again, if you want.» Was his tone of voice deeper than before? Jaehyun could tell it.

«Or you are the one who wants me to do it again!»

«It may be possible, it may be not.» Yuta covered his mouth with one of his small, elegant hands. Jaehyun glanced at that movement. Yuta was beautiful, the perfect mix of strength and tenderness, confidence and shyness, with those big eyes that could be piercing, intimidating, almost scary, but even gentle like the warm morning autumn sun.

«If you want another kiss from me you must catch me, if you can!» Jaehyun said giggling, before starting to run through the crowd. Yuta gave him a few seconds of head start before chasing him, clearly more stable and faster than the other.

Jaehyun reached the shore, right next to the sea and kept running and laughing, turning his head back just to be sure Yuta was really following him. And he was doing it.

Yuta quickly sped up and threw himself on Jaehyun, jumping forward and extending his arms to be able to grab the boy’s waist. When he grasped onto Jaehyun’s shirt, they both fell on the sand, freerly crashing on the ground, their breaths short because of the run.

«You’re crazy, Nakamoto Yuta.» They ended up being one over the other, like happened the night before. This time, Jaehyun was lying on the beach, with Yuta on top of him, his arms pointed in the sand at the sides of Jaehyun’s head.

«We are in this position a little bit too often, recently.»

«Does it make you uncomfortable, Yuta?»

«The only thing that doesn’t sit right with me is what happens after we stay like this.»

«What?»

« _What_?» Yuta mumbled in Japanese, without even noticing he used the wrong language.

«What do you mean?»

«Oh.» He tried to find the right words to use. He was walking on a dangerous path, but it was too late to turn back, and he didn’t have enough time ahead of him to create another situation like that one. «I mean I don’t like that we’re just going to get up like nothing happened. Because, as you said, _nothing_ happened, yesterday.»

«You’re such a tease…» Jaehyun knew his ears were red once again, but they were far from the people and the lights of the party, so they could barely see each other silhouettes under the moonlight, once again.

«I don’t think I understand what you said.» Yuta’s voice trembled, Jaehyun noticed it. This was the first time in which Jaehyun sensed that particular kind of nervousness. He wanted to tell Yuta he didn’t need to be that nervous, but he wasn’t calm too.

«You’re provoking me,» he said in the end.

«I’m doing it, yes. I can’t help it… I don’t want to waste this chance, Jae.»

«A chance to do what, Yuta…» And then they stared at each other. Their eyes slowly getting used to the darkness, their heart beating faster and faster, this time not because of the run. 

Yuta remained silent. 

And then Jaehyun put his hands on Yuta’s shoulders, and then he moved them on his neck, and finally on the back on his head, caressing his hair before pushing Yuta’s head down towards his.

He closed the gaps.

The first was the gap generated by the doubt. The way Yuta kissed his lips was too tender to be feelingless, too gentle to be pushed by the mere rush of desire. There was care in it, the clear intent to be sweet and and lovely and lovable.

The second was the gap generated by the fears. But since Yuta was kissing him, licking Jaehyun’s lips in the attempt to make him open his mouth to let himself in, the fear of rejection was long gone. The fear of not being reciprocated was just a memory, and the fear to be disliked a ridiculous past thought.

The third was the physical gap. Yuta let his body slowly fall on Jaehyun’s, his light weight over the latter’s chest. 

Roaming hands were exploring bodies, revealing skin for the purpose of caressing it, gently, at first, and with desire later on. Jaehyun’s nails dug into Yuta’s waist, pressing him against his body a little more, a little more once again. They lost it when Yuta’s tongue finally started to play with Jaehyun’s, the sound of the waves, the music that was coming from not that far away were muted by the soft moans the two boys let escape from their mouths. 

And then Jaehyun pushed Yuta away, making him fall on the sand with the intention to switch position and catch his lips again. But as soon as Jaehyun saw Yuta lying on the beach, he froze. It was dark, but his eyes were getting used to it, and his imagination was wild enough to add all those details that he couldn’t see. Yuta was lying down, his hair was covering his forehead, he had taken off his glasses and Jaehyun was sure his cheeks were getting pinkish, his half closed eyes were sparkling. His slightly raised tank top was revealing the boy’s skin, that Jaehyun knew was a little tan, kissed by the sun. He wanted to touch him. He put his hands on the ground, he slipped his fingers under the sand, and went down again to kiss Yuta’s lips, still wet from the previous kiss.

«Please, let’s go home Jae.»

«Yes, let’s go home.» They wanted to be alone, they needed to be alone.

The following morning there was a strange atmosphere in the kitchen, Mark could tell.

When he and Jaemin woke up, they found Yuta and Jaehyun making a whole mess in the kitchen, trying to make breakfast… Or at least that was what they were supposed to do, since they looked more busy elbowing and tickling each other.

«Goodmorning,» Jaemin said, while clearly studying his brother’s behaviour. He sat at the dinner table, next to Mark, and exchanged a questioning look with him.

«We made pancakes,» said Jaehyun, turning his head to face the youngsters. He had flour on his nose, a bright smile on his face and a tiny love bite on his neck.

«Are there pancakes in that mess?» 

«Kinda. They look like pancakes, at least,» Yuta answered, and it really seemed like he was having fun. Jaemin noticed how relaxed he looked in that moment, his shoulders weren't as tense as before, and probably even Mark might have noticed it, since he was staring at his friend.

«Do you have something to tell us?» The question Mark made was interrupted by an unexpected answer: a kiss on the cheek.

With a plate of pancakes in his hands Jaehyun turned to the table, and right in that moment Yuta gave him a sweet, tiny kiss on the cheek. They both smiled with an _idiotic_ expression that made Mark blush.

«You two _definitely_ have something to tell us!»

The night before, Jaehyun opened the window to let some fresh air in. The room smelled of sweat, male cologne and sex. Yuta was lying on the bed, naked, half covered by the bed sheet. When he whispered “come here”, Jaehyun smiled and went back to bed. He slowly slided back next to Yuta, kissing him lightly on the cheek.

«How do you feel?» he asked, his voice, deep and rough, sent chills down Yuta’s spine.

«Good. Was… was it okay?» he said, with an uncertain smile on his face.

«Hey, is this a question to ask? Do you want feedback about your performance?» Jaehyun laughed.

«Oh, come on…» Yuta laughed too, a bit embarrassed. «I wasn’t even sure you liked men. I think it’s legitimate to ask.»

«I honestly wasn’t sure about it either. But I liked it. And I like you, if it wasn’t clear enough,» he said, with a confidence granted by the intimacy of the moment.

Yuta kissed him on the lips, and said softly: «I like you too.»

He rested his head on Jeahyun’s shoulder, and they stayed in silence for a while, enjoying each other's presence, listening to the sound of their breaths.

«Yuta… I was wondering if… If you’d like to try to be… Like this, I mean, this affectionate for the days we will spend together.»

«Of course… I was hoping for it, to be honest. I was so scared to make a move and ruin everything.» And after that, Yuta covered his mouth with his hand. Jaehyun noticed he always did it when he was getting shy.

«I was really scared too… I feel like I wasted time because of my own worries,» he admitted.

«We needed time to get to know each other better, in person. To get used to our physical presence, I think. We didn’t waste time, Jae.»

«You’re right.» And he gave him another tiny kiss on the head.

«So… Can I kiss you in front of the other two, tomorrow?» Yuta asked, smirking.

«I’d _love_ to.»

«What? What did you just say?» 

«Uhm? That I’d like to kiss you in front of the babies, tomorrow,» he repeated.

Yuta blushed. He was starting to feel tired, his eyes were slowly failing to stay open, and he felt really silly because, for a brief moment, he thought Jaehyun said he was in love with him. It was too early to talk about love, wasn’t it? They just had sex, at the end of the day, so it was probably too pretentious of him to think they “made love”, and it was the right time to confess his feelings. He felt strangely vulnerable all of sudden, but at the same time he was feeling safe in the arms of the person that was the main reason for that vulnerability.

Jaehyun turned off the tiny candle that was on the bedside table, wishing Yuta a good night. The latter, with his eyes closed and the weak voice of someone who's already half asleep, said: «I was ready to risk it all for you.»

And then they fall asleep.

The following days were filled with kisses, smiles, jokes, and all those little things Yuta was sure he would have missed as soon as that week would have ended.

Is it possible to have muscle memory of a kiss? Yuta was hoping to be able to protect all those moments, to hide them deep enough inside him to save them from the kilometers and hours of distance that would have separated him from them soon.

The third day in Jeju Island, Yuta asked Jaehyun to go out for dinner. It was a date, he said, if Jaehyun wanted to. In the afternoon, Yuta bought flowers, a big bouquet of red roses, and got ready before Jaehyun, so he could wait for him in the living room, acting like they weren't living under the same roof. He wanted it to be a real romantic date. Something _normal_ even if the relationship between the two of them was far to be considered common. 

Jaehyun was nervous. Jaemin was helping him with his outfit, giggling because of the way his older brother looked completely overwhelmed by that unexpected wave of emotions he has been hit from. 

«How do I look?» he asked, fixing his jacket and then his t-shirt and then his jacket again, in front of the mirror.

«You look great. I've never seen you so nervous about something that isn't academy related.»

«It's my first date with… A person I care about. It's normal to be nervous, isn't it? But I don't want to look like I'm panicking or he will never stop mocking me.» At that point he was trying to fix his pastel pink hair, even if there was nothing to be fixed.

«I'm sure he's a bit nervous too.»

«Maybe. That’s crazy tough… I thought about this moment for years.»

«And you’ve never told me about it.» Probably it wasn’t the right moment to bring out the subject, but Jaemin couldn’t help it. He was dwelling about it since the morning in which his brother and Yuta started to be all lovey-dovey. «I was wondering why you didn’t tell me.»

Jaehyun remained silent, while watching his brother's reflection in the mirror.

«I…» he started, but then stopped and took a deep breath, «I was scared to be judged.»

«I would’ve never judged you, you know…» Jaemin interrupted him.

«Listen.» Jaehyun turned to face Jaemin, and then sat on the bed next to him. «I wasn’t sure about my own feelings, at first. When I realized I really liked Yuta, I started to think that maybe I was just being ridiculous. Think about it: I fell in love with a man, and I’ve never considered the idea of even being attracted to men before, and that man was someone I’ve never seen in person. I didn’t even know if I would have the chance to meet him. I didn't really know how to say out loud how I was feeling about him without looking like a fool. I’m sorry. I know I can trust you…»

Jaemin shook his head. «No need to be sorry. It’s just… It must have been a lot to deal with on your own, without talking about. I’m not saying you should’ve talked to me, but…»

«I didn’t talk to anyone. I was…a coward. I should have told you, I...»

«No, Jae! No, no no. Don’t think about it too much. I was just surprised when I saw you two together,» he stopped for a while. «No, I wasn’t surprised. I honestly thought you might like him, and when I saw him looking at you with such a suggestive glance, I had the feeling it was just a matter of time for the two of you.»

Jaehyun’s ears were red as the roses Yuta gave to him. Jaemin smiled and gave his brother a pat on his back: «Go now, you don’t want to make your date wait too much.»

When Jaehyun stepped into the living room, Yuta stood up immediately, turning to the door to look at his date. He was beautiful. 

«You’re beautiful.» The thought that has just crossed his mind immediately went out of his mouth.

«Oh, t-thank you. You look really good too,» Jaehyun stuttered and then he smiled shyly, putting his dimples on full display. And then they stared at each other like a couple of teenagers on prom night, until Yuta took a huge breath and said: «Let’s go.»

He held out his hand and Jaehyun took it before leaving the house.

It was nice to see how quickly the two of them developed their own special way to joke and to understand each other. Years spent to get used to their sense of humor and their sarcasm only through letters made them able to immediately click in person, and eating alone was the perfect testing ground for their chemistry. 

Yuta thought Jaehyun’s clumsiness was cute, he naturally helped him out when he was going to get his shirt sleeve dirty, and he helped him with the fish they were eating, since he wasn’t as used to cleaning out the bones, as Yuta was.

Yuta found him extremely sweet, when he decided to buy one dessert and cut it in half, because he thought it would be romantic to share it, and it was nice to see how pink Jaehyun’s cheeks were when he suggested it.

After the dinner, they decided to go to the beach for a walk; hand in hand.

«How about finding a place to watch the stars again?» Yuta suggested, eyeing at a bench that was on a litte hill, not so far from there. A row of torches lightened the way to reach it, making it the perfect cliché place for couples. 

In front of them, the waves were whispering. Tourists were walking on the seaside, their voices were slightly covered by the whistle of the wind.

They enjoyed the silence between them, their fingers still playing, Yuta's thumb was caressing Jaehyun's hand countless times. 

«It's nice to stay here,» Jaehyun said after a while, his glance suddenly stolen by Yuta's face.

«Yes…» Yuta started to get nervous. His stomach clenched and for a moment he thought it was because of the food he ate, but he soon noticed he was just nervous. He was going to say something he felt the need to share, but he was also scared to ruin the mood. To ruin everything, if he wanted to be honest to himself. «Listen, Jae…» he started, obvious unsureness in his voice.

Jaehyun waited for him in silence, while Yuta grabbe both of his hands and turned a bit more to face him. He kept his head low, he bit his lower lip and took a few more seconds to get ready to speak.

«Okay, I… I’m… » He took another huge breath. Jaehyun was getting nervous too, he could notice it because his hands were sweaty. «I’m in love with you, Jae. I know it’s too soon, I know it might sound weird, but I’m so in love with you I can’t hide it. I really love you, Jae… I do.»

Jaehyun slowly put his forehead against Yuta’s, smiling at him fondly. His eyes were shining under the fire of the touches. Yuta thought he was going to cry.

«I’m in love with you too, Yuta.» And then his smile became bigger, and they both started to laugh to cover the shyness. «Can I kiss you?»

«Do you need to ask?»

And then they kissed. A tender, soft, and slow kiss. Jaehyun could have never imagined how plumped Yuta’s lips were, how good it felt to bite them, to suck on them to make him open his mouth and deepen the kiss. 

«I will miss this…»

«Don’t think about it now.» Jaehyun cupped Yuta’s face with his hands, his thumbs started to caress the latter’s cheeks and then, again, his lips crashed against the other’s. «I want you to be my boyfriend, Yuta. Would you be it?»

His hazel eyes widened in surprise. He stared at Jaehyun before lowering his gaze.

«I don’t think it’s a good idea…»

«Why not?» Jaheyun didn’t want to sound disappointed, but his tone sounded inevitably like a mixture of his feelings. «We love each other, and we feel good together…»

«We’re going to be separated again soon.»

«It worked for years, it will still work. We can make it work if we want to.»

«I don’t want to make you wait for another meeting that we don’t even know will happen…»

«Of course it will happen, Yuta.» Jaehyun's hands were trembling. «Be my boyfriend. I will wait for the day in which we will find a way to stay together. You’re my best friend, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I thought I wasn’t capable of loving someone, but then I fell in love with you, and it wasn’t just thanks to your words. Once you told me you were just “a bunch of words written on a piece of paper” for me, but you’ve been way more than that. Please, Yuta, stay by my side.»

«You’re fucking making me cry, you idiot,» Yuta said abruptly, throwing his armas around Jaehyun’s shoulder and hiding his face against his neck. He left tiny kisses on his skin, before saying softly: «I want to be your boyfriend. I want to be with you.»

«Let’s go home, it’s getting late.»

«But we still have a couple of hours before the curfew…» Yuta objected, enjoying their hug.

«Yes, but I want to cuddle you till morning, so let’s go… my love.»

«AND THAT TIME - _have I already said when I don’t remember_ \- YUTA PUKED ON MY SOFA, _LIKE THE WHOLE DINNER WAS LYING ON_ MY PRECIOUS SOFA.» 

«I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you’re still sexy,» Jaemin commented, watching Mark screaming, standing on the table and using his bottle of beer as a microphone.

« _You’re speaking half Japanese, half not understandable Korean, you drunkhead_.» Yuta said in his mother tongue, faking an offended expression, after his friend tried to expose him telling the others about that time in which he drank so much he couldn't even stay still and puked on every possible surface of Mark’s apartment. 

It was the last night on Jeju Island. The next morning they were going to go home, but not together. Jaehyun and Jaemin were going to take the ferry to the mainland to go to the Haenam Usuyeong terminal, while the other two were going to go to Busan, to take the ferry back to Fukuoka and then to Osaka.

They all got drunk at home to celebrate their last day of vacation together. It was supposed to be a moment of fun, and of course for Mark it was, since he was barely able to stop laughing — for Jaemin’s pleasure, that seemed to enjoy watching the other boy lose it.

But Yuta wasn’t able to have fun. He was trying, of course, and he laughed and joked and let Jaehyun cuddle him while they were listening to Mark playing the guitar. The thought of going home was bugging him nonetheless. He didn’t want to go. He didn't want to leave Jaehyun’s side. He didn’t want to go back to his apartment, alone, far away from the almost unreachable Country in which the love of his life was living. He didn't want to go. He didn’t want to stay away from him now that he knew that they loved each other, now that he knew how sweet his lips were, how good his smell was, how soft his skin was. He didn't want to go and the drunkness made his thoughts obsessive.

When Jaemin announced he was going to have a smoke in the garden, and was followed by Mark, who turned out to be particularly clingy when he was drunk, Jaehyun and Yuta decided to go to the bedroom. 

As soon as he closed the door, Jaehyun grabbed Yuta’s waist, with the clear and bold intention to add some spice at that little farewell party. One kiss, followed by another one, and then his hands tried to sneak under Yuta’s t-shirt, but the latter didn’t seem to be ready to partecipate.

«Hey…» Jaehyun looked at Yuta, who promptly looked away. «Hey, hey hey, what’s going on, baby?»

«Don’t call me baby you make me cry,» he said, taking his glasses off and throwing back his head to look at the ceiling. Yuta used to do it when he laughed: throwing back his head to laugh at the fullest, using his whole body to enjoy the fun. It was strange to Jaehyun how he made the exact same movement to hold back his tears. 

«Yuta… talk to me,» he whispered, putting the boy in a tight hug. Yuta let a sob escape from his lips, and then started to cry. Slowly, Jaehyun made him sit on the bed, and lit up the candles that were on the bedside. The night was dark, and the sky outside the window was pitch black.

«Yuta, please, don’t cry,» he said again, hugging him again and rubbing his back.

«I’m sorry.» Another sob, followed by countless other ones. «I’m so sorry, I failed, Jae, I tried, I promise, I really wanted to… I don’t wanna go back home, I don’t…» His broken voice made Jaehyun’s heart sink.

«What are you talking about… You made it. You came here, we’re together. We’re boyfriends now and we’re gonna make it work. I told you. Listen to me, my love. I’m gonna wait for all your letters, we’re gonna send each other more photos and… We can use telegrams! Every morning. I’m gonna send you a good morning telegram every day, telling you how much I love you.»

Yuta started to cry even harder, he was nodding but wasn’t capable of stopping or saying something. Every word he was thinking about was too hard to be said out loud. He worked so hard for the two of them, for that moment, for that relationship to be real, but he failed. The guilt was suddenly devouring him in that exact moment in which his nerves, also thanks to the alcohol, gave up on him. He didn't want to go home. He was well aware of the fact that probably his house would have looked even more empty, more lonely, more cold, when he would have been back there. He didn’t want to feel lonely again, he needed those hugs, those kisses, he needed that man, his boyfriend, to be happy. But he didn’t know how to make their distance relationship work in a world in which it was completely crazy to love someone from another Country. 

«Please, my love, say something…» Jaehyun was gently caressing the back of his head, playing with his short hair. «Have you noticed how much your hair has grown during this month? If you’re not going to cut it, it will be very long when we meet again.»

The only thought that was running through Yuta’s mind was: _If… if we meet again._ And it was hurting him so bad, it felt like he was getting stabbed right in the chest. He knew Mark would help him again, because he said it himself. He wanted to go back to South Korea too, and he was in the position to plan another trip.... But for Yuta it wasn’t that simple. But he couldn’t say it out loud. He couldn’t say it to Jaehyun and hurt him more than he was already doing since he was crying instead of kissing him during the last night they had to spend together.

«I love you, Yuta.» And then Jaehyun broke down too, hit by the harshness of reality. For an instant he regretted them meeting. If they would have never met, they wouldn't have never had the fear of losing each other. But then, he realized that those days that have just passed, those moments – all of them, precious in their own way – had been the most beautiful moments of his life. 

«I love you too. You… You are the most beautiful person I could have in my life. And I’m...» he stopped to take a deep breath. «I’m the luckiest man alive.»

«Can I kiss you?»

«Stop asking, you don’t need my permission. Your kisses can live rent free on me.»


	6. Interlude 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another special letter.

_August 20th 2XXX_

_Dear Jaehyun,_

_the days I spent with you were the most beautiful, memorable, amazing days of my life. When I told you I failed… I said it because I did, sometimes things happen in life, and they’re failures. Things such as my attempt to find a way to live in Korea. I tried._

_I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in person, but I’m a coward, and I was scared to see your disappointment (and you can see how I’m taking for granted that you would have been disappointed about it)._

_So, to answer one of your questions: why did I work for the first two weeks I spent with you? Professor Kim wanted to promote our research and give me the chance to be a researcher at the SM University of Seoul. And it could’ve been a six months research, with the chance to remain there as assistant to professor Kim, if he wanted to keep working with me._

_The University Committee, anyway, didn’t approve our pitch. Professor Kim was really disappointed and angry. Not as much as me, but he didn’t expect to be rejected._

_He said he would have tried to talk to the council again when we were in Jeju Island, but he didn’t reach out to me, so I guess he failed too._

_As I said, Jaehyun, my love, I was ready to risk it all for you even before seeing you with my own eyes, even before tasting you with my mouth, before telling you I love you with my whole heart._

_Sometimes things don’t go the way we want them to go. It’s life, I guess._

_Mark can help me to come to Korea again, but this time it would not be a matter of months of bureaucracy, but probably it will take years. I thought about making up some fake story to let the Government make me come sooner, but if they find out I’m lying I will be banned from traveling for my whole life and I will probably destroy Mark’s career, and I can’t take this risk._

_A part of me wants to try anyway, because I’m selfish and I know my happiness lives in your arms, but I can’t do it. I’d like to, but I promised myself I would live my life trying to be the best version of myself and not a pathetic liar who can’t accept that he can’t have all the things he wants._

_I’m telling myself I must be happy and grateful regardless. Living with you and loving you for a whole month has already been one of the most beautiful gifts life could give me. And now I’m your boyfriend, and If I tell this to the past version of myself, he probably would not believe me. You’re an amazing creature, you’re beautiful. I won’t say I miss you already, because I will miss you every day of my life, as much as I missed you when you were just a bunch of words written on a piece of paper._

_I’m trying to remember your smell, your touch on my skin, your lips on my mouth, so when I’ll feel lonely I’ll have those memories to remind me that I’m not alone, that I will never be, because you’re always with me, as a precious and incredible part of my existence._

_I’m writing this letter from the Busan port. Mark is sleeping on a bench, he’s still drunk from yesterday, I can’t believe he drank this much. Imagine how beautiful it will be for him the rest of the ride back! He was sick during the whole trip from Jeju. I’m taking my chance to put all my feelings on paper now that they’re clear and alive inside me._

_I’m glad we made love yesterday night, even if I was going to waste our last chance to love each other because I was crying like a baby — I’m sorry, it was embarrassing. I’m glad we did it because it was perfect, because you made me feel loved like no one has ever done, and no one will ever do. Your caring touches, your bites, the way your voice becomes lower and deep when you speak during sex… Jaehyun, you’re made to be all I ever wanted._

_I’d like to take the train and come back to you, immediately, and fuck this damn society, I’d like to come back to you and kiss you like my life depends on it._

_Mark woke up and told me to not write a thirsty letter while I’m sitting next to him. I told him to not read what I was writing and he said he didn’t do it on purpose. Now I’m even more embarrassed than before. He said to write that he will miss you and Jaemin too, and that he’s thankful to have met Jaemin, for all the reasons he already knows. I wonder what those reasons are, but he said that I_ _–_ _and you with me, I guess_ _–_ _don’t need to know them._

_I’m gonna ship this letter as soon as I arrive in Fukuoka, and then I’ll write to you again when I arrive in Osaka, before that I’m going to send a telegram as you asked me to. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know as soon as I can that I’ve arrived at home safe and sound._

_It will be hard at the beginning, I’m sure you can understand what I mean.They idea of waking up alone, without you by my side, is torturing me already._

_Thanks for giving me your jumper. Telling you this makes me feel shy, but I’m going to hug that sweater when I sleep. I have the feeling it will be really hard to sleep without you, to spend the nights in an empty bed from now on._

_I think it’s almost time for the identity check, so I need to pack my stuff and get ready. I’ll write more soon._

_I love you. You’re the most important person in my life. You hold my heart right now, please take good care of it._

_Forever yours,_

_Yuta_

« _Was it your name, Yuu_?» 

« _What_?»

« _The guy with the megaphone, just a while ago_. _Listen_!! _They’re saying it again_!»

«...Nakamoto Yuta, Mister Nakamoto Yuta is kindly wanted at the border info point. Mister Nakamoto Yuta is kindly wanted at the border info point.»

« _And I’m indeed Nakamoto Yuta. What the fuck it’s going on, Makku_.»

« _Don’t worry, dude. I come with you_.»


	7. The beginning of something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings and new beginnings.

Jaehyun was destroyed. When he looked for the right word to describe how it felt when he and Jaemin arrived home, that was the only possible solution he found.

Jaemin tried to distract his brother in all the ways he knew during the trip: he played games, he made countless jokes, he tried to make Jaehyun talk about whatever topic, from the possible imminent Third Solar Flare, to the tests he was going to take at the Academy. He carefully tried to avoid talking about Yuta and Mark, but he knew it was just a matter of time.

Jehyun was the one that brought up the topic when they were on the train to Seoul.

«So, now that we’re alone. Tell me about you and Mark.»

Jaemin showed a huge smile, he looked a bit shy for a brief moment, and Jaehyun was surprised to see that even his bold, somehow coldhearted, little brother was capable of getting shy.

«He wanted to have fun, and I gave him some fun.»

«Come on!» Jaehyun hit him on the thigh. «Tell your old bro the truth.»

«He’s cute.» Jaemin rolled his eyes when he noticed his brother’s expression. «He’s sexy, funny, it’s extremely easy to talk to him and he told me some stuff, you know, personal matters, that made me think we would have been a good match if only we weren’t born so far from each other. And he wanted to have fun for real, so we had fun.»

Jaehyun smiled, but Jaemin saw that he was getting sad again. Was it because of the way he phrased that sentence? That “if only” that probably brought up once again the big doubt that Jaehyun had since the moment in which he hugged Yuta one last time before parting ways. 

«I didn’t mean it that way, Jae. We’re not in love, it’s different. We were just vibing, okay?» He frowned, while Jaehyun avoided to look him in the eyes. «Oh, please, Jae. I’m sorry.»

Jaehyun covered his face with his hands, hiding his teary eyes once again. Now that Yuta was gone, his absence hit him really hard. Now he could understand why Yuta couldn’t stop crying the night before.

«Do you think I’ll be able to meet him again?»

Jaemin nodded and held his right hand.

«I’m sure of it. You did it one time, and everything went smooth despite the fact the whole world doesn’t want people to travel. And Mark can help him again, he’s willing to help. We talked about it.»

Nevertheless, when they arrived home, Jaehyun couldn’t stop to think about how big his bedroom was without Yuta and his stuff in it. How lonely the living room was, shrouded in thick darkness, how useless that tiny balcony Yuta liked so much was, without him to appreciate it.

He could still smell his perfume around the house.

Feel his presence.

Jaehyun felt empty without him.

«Why is Johnny not at Johnny’s??» Jaemin asked as soon as he arrived at the usual spot in the park, where Donghyuk and Jeno were chilling. It was a nice sunny day, and they were trying to enjoy the weather, even if the levels of pollution were really high, and they were forced to wear masks.

«Hello to you, little Jae,» said the first, without hiding a certain annoyance in his tone of voice.

«Hi, Nana. Johnny left early this morning, he went to Busan with Taeyong.»

«Busan?»

«Hello?! You didn’t even ask us how we are doing? And most importantly, who cares about Johnny, we want the tea about the trip to Jeju, sit down with us!» Donghyuck patted the spot next to him on the bench, and Jaemin sat down with a sigh.

«I care about Johnny because I need his help,» he sighed again with a wave of sadness crossing his eyes. «Jaehyun didn’t go to his classes yesterday, and neither today. He’s still crying like a baby because he misses Yuta.»

Jeno frowned, he was visibly worried. Jaehyun wasn’t a crybaby, and he wasn’t even the kind of person who shows his feelings, especially the bad ones.

Jaemin told his friends about the trip: the party, the fact that Jaehyun and Yuta decided to date, the little chats he had with Mark. The other two listened carefully, and finally understood why Jaehyun was so shocked about the Japanese man's departure and why Jaemin was so concerned about it.

«It has only been a couple of days, tough. I think it’s normal for him to be sad, give him some time. I’m sure he will feel better soon.» Donghyuck tried to be reasonable, he didn’t like to see Jaemin so worried.

«We didn’t receive the telegram he was supposed to send us as soon as he arrived home. They should have arrived already, and Jae… Well, he didn’t say it out loud, but I’m pretty sure he thinks Yuta doesn’t want to keep in touch anymore.»

«Why?» Jeno asked, interrupting Jaemin.

«Because he didn’t want to be boyfriends in the first place. He said that he wasn’t sure about it because he didn’t want Jae to wait for him…» Jaemin put his face in his hand.

«Ouch, that sounds bad…»

«... But also understandable,» Donghyuck added to Jeno’s comment.

«Yes, it is. I still can’t believe Jae’s crying so much. I’ve never seen him like this before, and that’s why I need Johnny, or Taeyong, or someone who can deal with my brother better than me.»

«You know, it’s weird. The prince of Osaka is like a solar flare,» Jeno said, looking thoughtful. «He came into your brother’s life by chance, appeared here all of a sudden, and changed the balance of his daily life. Like the freaking solar flares.»

Jaemin smiled and hoped that that solar flare was going to bring something positive in his brother’s life and not the devastation that they were well known for.

«Listen, Nana, tell us something about your man Mark Lee now.»

After they kissed for the first time, Jaemin asked Mark if he wanted to spend the night in his room. He thought it was a nice way to force Jaehyun and Yuta to sleep in the other room together, but at the same time he had the feeling Mark was touch deprived enough to need a little bit of company, even if there was no sexual intention in his invite. 

What Jaemin had learned about the other boy until that moment was that he needed to relax, and to talk to someone. It was so obvious there was something buggering him, and Jaemin was a very good observer. That didn’t mean he was the right person to talk to, of course, but he thought that it was worth it to give Mark a chance to get rid of some of the thoughts that were trying to ruin his vacation.

They ended up on Jaemin’s bed, Mark rested his head on Jaemin’s lap, and the latter was gently playing with his hair, enjoying the late night breeze that was coming from the open window.

«Thank you, Nana,» the boy said in a whisper. «I don’t understand why you’re so kind with me, but I really appreciate it.»

«It’s not kindness, Mark. I like spending time with you.» They remained silent for a while, Mark closed his eyes and focused his attention on Jaemin’s hand, which was still caressing his head.

«You know, I’d like to kiss you again if you want.»

Jaemin smiled, even if the other couldn’t see him, and made Mark move from that position to be able to get down and reach his lips. Their kisses were soft. Jaemin wasn’t a tender kind of person, but Mark made him be more careful, more delicate. That boy looked fragile, somehow, easy to hurt. It was strange that Jaemin came up with that consideration, since Mark claimed he wanted to _have fun_. But maybe it was just it: Mark wanted to have fun, for once, and don’t get hurt.

«Do you like me?»

Jaemin frowned at the question, an interrogative expression appeared on his face.

«Oh, I mean… Do you find me attractive?» Mark’s voice was cutely unsure. «Oh, boy, why did I even ask a question like that. I mean, do you think I might be an attractive person for someone?»

«The more you talk, the more you confuse me,» Jaemin chuckled. «Of course I think you’re attractive. You’re a very good looking guy, I don’t kiss boys I don’t find cute.» 

«That’s reassuring.»

«Why do you think I kissed you?»

«Out of… pity, maybe?»

«You’re a very strange guy, Mark Lee,» Jaemin commented, before caressing Mark’s face and guiding his head toward his own, to let their lips connect another time.

Mark melted under that touch, when their lips parted again, he hugged Jaemin, lying down on the bed and making himself as small as possible to find a place in the other boy’s arms.

«I guess that’s why people don’t want to date me, or kiss me, or… you know,» he said, casually, his face hidden against Jaemin’s chest.

«Hey, Mister Lee. I like your strangeness. And you're a good looking, _dateable_ person.»

«I…» Mark stopped, on the tip of his tongue, a lot of words that wanted to run out of his mouth.

«Go ahead, I’m listening.» Jaemin’s voice was low and calm. There was something in that boy – Mark couldn’t name it – that made him feel at home, free to talk, to be himself without being judged. Maybe it was just because they were strangers, so it was easier to talk to someone that knows nothing about you.

«I think I’m starting to pay for the lack of time I dedicated to dating and meeting new people when I was younger. My family always had great expectations for my career, and I think I ended up sacrificing my personal life for it, to make them proud, you know? And now that I’m ready to have someone in my life… It always seems like I’m too unlikable to be interesting for somebody.»

Jaemin couldn’t relate. He could imagine how the other boy felt, but no one has ever had any expectations for him, so he didn’t know how it was like to feel the pressure of reaching a particular goal, not only for himself, but also for his family.

If he had to choose one fear, one demon, one thought that was haunting him, Jaemin would have chosen abandonment. His mother left him, his father did the same. When the two most important people in your life – that are supposed to love you unconditionally and protect you and stay by your side – are the ones who left you first, how are you supposed to not be scared of being abandoned from all the other important people in your life? He wasn't a doctor, he didn't know it scientifically, but he was pretty sure that that was the reason behind the distance there was between his heart and everybody else.

«You must be thinking I’m lame, I know…»

«I’m not. Don’t assume stuff, Mark. You’re assuming things a lot, and that’s the problem. You think you’re not enough to be liked by someone, but that’s far from the truth. When you were talking you already gave yourself the answer you need: now that you’re ready to have a significant one by your side, you have to put a little bit of effort in the search. If you keep focusing on what you didn’t do in the past instead of doing something to change your current situation… How are people supposed to step in your life?»

Mark grabbed Jaemin’s t-shirt, squeezing his fingers in it and trying to pull him closer. He needed to feel the warmth of being hugged, taken care of. And Jaemin was right there with the right words in the right moment, and with his whole body perfect to wrap him and protect him while just talking about himself made him feel vulnerable. 

Since Mark seemed to have no intention to talk, Jaemin added: «How about you promise me one thing now: we’re going to have fun. We’re gonna kiss, and drink, and visit the city, and eat, and kiss again during the time we have to spend together.»

Mark nodded. «Okay, it sounds good to me.»

«And during this time you will try not to think too much. Let yourself enjoy the moment.»

«I can try.»

«Good,» Jaemin said before messing up his hair. He gave him a little kiss on the cheek, right on the spot he knew the sunlight made his freckles more visible.

After a while, they fell asleep.

When Jaemin arrived at home, Jaehyun was in his bedroom. He tried to check his timetable, aware of the fact he couldn’t keep skipping his duties, but he wasn’t able to focus. Then he tried to play the piano, but the only song that kept coming to his mind was the one he played for Yuta, Mark and Jaemin, and the image of his boyfriend – it was strange to call him that way, now that he wasn’t next to him – dancing in his room was so vivid in front of his eyes he couldn’t manage to play. So he decided to just lie in his bed, waiting for his heart to find a way to stop aching on its own.

«Did you eat something, Jae?» Jaemin asked, after knocking on Jaehyun’s room door and entering without waiting for an answer.

«I did.»

«You liar,» he said, «I got us some instant ramen to eat, I’m going to prepare it and I’m waiting for you in the kitchen. You have five minutes.»

As Jaemin expected, even if his brother decided to go out from his room and eat something, he left half of the food on the plate, and didn’t say a single word for the two hours they spent in silence at the kitchen table. Jaemin tried, at first, to tell him about his day, but Jaehyun wasn’t listening, so he just gave up talking. He decided to try the way of physical presence to let him feel a little bit less lonely.

He didn't know what to do. He hasn't seen his brother in that state before. He hoped that Jaehyun would have been able to get a grip on himself soon, since Johnny and Taeyong weren't around and no one seemed to know why they went to Busan together all of sudden. Maybe Taeyong had some special delivery to do and he needed help, or maybe they wanted to spend a few days in the city. Jaemin found the second option too odd to be plausible, but not a single better idea came to his mind.

«Do you think he’s going to send a letter again?» Jaehyun asked, while he was looking out the window door. It was a nice night, the sky was clear and bright thanks to the stars he couldn’t manage to look at, since they reminded him of Yuta once again.

«Of course. He’s probably really tired, Jae. He will send you a telegram soon. Their trip took more than twenty hours.» Jaemin thought carefully about what words to use, he didn’t want to hurt his brother even more. «And… Maybe he’s sad as much as you are right now. If you need time to process all the things that happened in the last few days, probably he needs time too.»

«He was right,» he said, like he didn’t even really listen to his brother’s words. «When he said that it was better to not be boyfriends he was right. It’s only been… How much? Two days? And I can’t bear his absence. I want to ereaese all the memories I have with him, I want to forget the last three fucking weeks, because I want them back so much, I feel like my heart is going to explode in my own chest.»

Jaemin approached him slowly, and put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking. It was painful to see him like that, even more because between the two of them, Jaemin always considered Jaehyun the stronger one.

«Would you like to sleep in my bed tonight? We can talk until we are too tired to do it.»

Jaehyun turned and hugged him.

«I would love to, thanks.»

  
  


_September 16th 2XXX_

_Hello, Yuta!!!_

_This is my first time writing a letter to someone, so I don’t even know where to start. On the profile my professor gave me, I read you’re studying Korean since last year, so I don’t know how long this letter is supposed to be and I don’t even know if my calligraphy is understandable enough. So I’m going to keep it short and write in the most decent way I’m capable of, so you don’t get tired of me right away. Please, tell me if what I write is too complicated for you, so next time I can use easier words._

_I guess the best way to start is by introducing myself. I’m Na Jaehyun, I’m 16 years old (Korean age!! Do you know how it works? If you don’t I’m gonna tell you in the next letter, I heard from my professor it’s different in other countries), and I have a younger brother called Jaemin. He’s my best friend and I’m sure I’m his, even if he says that it’s not the truth._

_I’m in High School, and I like studying almost every subject, but I can’t do math. That’s kind of a problem because my father wants me to be a “man of science”, because his dream is to have a son capable of working to make life in the city easier, but I’m not the right son to do it, I guess. What’s your favourite subject at school? How does school work there?_

_Do you have clubs and after class activities? I think yes. I’m in the Track and field team, and my coach says I’m a good runner. I’m glad that I can run fast just because I feel like one day it will be a good skill to have if I want to lurk around the city after the curfew._

_Is there a curfew in Japan? (Tell me if I’m making too many questions)._

_One of my best friends in school is Johnny, he’s in the athletics team with me and he’s specialized in the long jump discipline. He’s really tall, it’s better for him to use those legs for something instead of just being annoying and making fun of me because I’m shorter._

_Do you like sports? Are you tall? It's nice to be tall, I hope to grow a little bit taller._

_There's a thing about you I'm curious about: why are you studying Korean? Are you going to be a politician? That's a strange career to choose, but it must be cool to have a chance to travel, since no one is allowed to._

_I've never thought about travelling or learning a new language, to be honest. But if you want to teach me some words in Japanese I'll be glad to learn them and to use them to impress my friends. Especially Johnny._

_What do you like? I like music, animals (dogs are really cute!) and I like hanging out with my friends. We usually go to the park and to an old abandoned factory in which we organise parties. Parties are fun if there's music. A friend of mine sings in a band, he's name is Taeil and he's a music genius, he can sing like no one else in the Country! I'm sure that he will perform in every single theatre in South Korea in the future. Are there theatres in Japan? I guess so, but I don't know anything about Japan, so I hope you can tell me how life there is._

_Did you go on vacation during the summer? I went to Busan with my family for a week. Busan is the second biggest city in South Korea. We didn’t do much there, but my mother grew up in Busan, so she likes going back to her hometown from time to time._

_Is it weird to you that my parents grew up in different cities? Here is kinda odd. Usually people don’t move during their lives, so everyone ends up with people from their own city, especially if they live in little villages. I don’t know anyone that looks like the person who I’m going to marry in the future, so I guess I still have to meet them. I’m not really interested in the matter at the moment._

_Is this letter too long already? Am I boring? I hope I’m not too boring and I also hope you will send me a reply._

_I’m so excited about getting to know you! I’ve never had any foreign friends. Let’s be friends and take care of eachother, Yuta!!_

_Bye bye,_

_Jaehyun_

  
  


_Knock knock_.

«Jae?»

 _Knock knock_.

«Jae, wake up,» said Jaemin, shaking his brother who was sleeping peacefully next to him. «Someone’s knocking at the door.»

Jaehyun was dreaming. Yuta was in his dream once again. They were in Japan, or at least they were in a place that was Japan in his head. They were walking on a gravel path, lined with bloomed cherry trees. The sky was clear, and its light blue was making the pink flowers look even more pink.

«Your hair has the same colour of the flowers,» Yuta said, showing Jehyun his beautiful, big, bright smile. «You really look like one of the most amazing artworks nature gave to humans.»

«Jaehyun, wake up!»

He didn’t know how it was possible for Yuta to make him blush, to make his ears turn red as fire every single time. Yuta’s ability to compliment people in a flattering way without sounding fake was one of the first things Jaehyun noticed through the letters they exchanged. He suddenly remembered one of the first letters he received from Yuta, they were still getting to know each other and Yuta told him his calligraphy was really cute and easy to read. And then he said something that hit Jaehyun: "I can see how carefully you wrote your letter to let me understand every single word. You worked hard on it so I hope you can understand what I wrote in mine."

He noticed his effort and complimented him for it. He didn't know if it was common for Japanese people to point out certain details, but Jaehyun appreciated it a lot. No one noticed the hard work he put in everything he did. 

«JAEHYUN!»

«WHAT!»

«DAMMIT, JAE WAKE UP.»

«I'm awake, I'm awake. What the fuck? What time is it?»

«How am I supposed to know it, it's dark. Someone's knocking at the door.»

«What? Who?»

«I have no idea.» Jaemin was pissed.

«Turn on the battery lights and grab a candle. I'm going to check.»

«Be careful,» the younger said, handing a candle to his brother. «Did we do something wrong? Oh, what if the guards are coming for us??»

«We did nothing, Jaem, let me check. Stay here.»

«'m coming with you.»

«Don't get too close to the door then.»

_Knock knock knock_.

«Who’s there?» Jaehyun asked at the door.

When no one answered, he grabbed the handle and the key slowly. He unlocked the door, the mechanism made a noise that broke the silence of the corridor. Then, Jaemin gave him the candle and stepped back, while he carefully moved down the door handle and opened the creaking door.

«Who’s—»

«Hey.»

The candle fell on the floor.

«He's going to burn down the house,» commented Johnny pointing his flashlight towards Jaehyun who was stepping over the candle to put out the fire. 

«Hey,» Jaehyun said, his eyes once again on the person that was standing right in front of him. For a moment he asked himself if he was awake or he was still sleeping, but the warmth he felt in his chest was too real to be just a figment of his imagination.

He threw his arms around the person's neck, making him slam against the wall behind his back. Holding him tightly desperately, desperate as the hours he spent before that moment. Releaf was building slowly inside him, unusual and foreing, travelling in his veins.

«Yuta, you're real.»

«As I've always been.»

«How? Why? What happened?» The questions came out mumbled and confused. Jaehyun didn't even notice he had started to cry once again.

«Don't cry, don't cry please,» Yuta whispered in Jaehyun's ear while the latter went for his lips, giving his boyfriend tiny and tender kisses. «I… It's a long story. I was going to send you a letter about it, but I guess there's no need to do it now.»

Jaehyun was hiding his face against Yuta’s neck, while Yuta was rubbing his back, enjoying the warmth of that hug.

«How?» Jaehyun asked again, confused and happy and unable to decipher what he was feeling exactly. Was he confused because of the surprise? Or was it because he just woke up and he wasn’t fully awake? Yuta didn’t reply, he cupped his face with his hands and reached Jaehyun’s lips with his, aggressively kissing him, moved by the primordial desire of having the person he loved in arms again.

Taeyong was giggling, elbowing Johnny with a huge smile on the face.

«Let's talk inside before your neighbors call the cops,» suggested Johnny while entering his friend's apartment, followed by Taeyong.

As the four men entered the house, Jaemin looked towards the corridor, involuntarily expecting another guest.

That moment was followed by a dreamy and messy series of brief chats, questions, kisses. 

«I got a job at the University, I’ll work with professor Kim for the next six months,» Yuta explained, after he sat on the sofa – Jehyun forced him to sit – and started to sip the hot tea Jaemin made. «He sent a telegram to the Busan port info point, and several telegrams to the embassies, to be able to reach me before my departure. It’s incredible…»

«Is it the reason why the other night you said you were sorry? Was that what you were sorry about?» Jaehyun asked, still completely absorbed by his presence to care about the fact his friends and brother were with them.

«Yeah… Our pitch got rejected at first. We, me and professor Kim, didn’t expect it, and that’s why I was so disappointed… Also because I thought I just wasted almost two weeks of our time together and…» His voice cracked. He was tired, the stress of the last few hours was gone together with the sadness and the regret he held on during the first hours of his trip back home, and he was starting to feel exhausted. Now that he was with Jaehyun again, there was no need for his body to hold tight, and the tiredness, combined with Jaehyun’s teary eyes, made him want to cry too.

«Did you want to stay from the beginning?»

«This is too cheesy, I might puke,» Johnny stammered, turning to face Taeyong who was staring at his friends with dreamy eyes.

«Shut up, they’re cute,» he said back.

«I came here… I came here willing to stay.»

«Were you ready to stay here for me?»

«I was ready to risk it all for you, Jaehyun.»

And what happened next looked like a fever dream in the middle of the night. Jaehyun prepared a bath for Yuta, heating the water on the gas stove, since there wasn’t running water at that moment of the day. Johnny and Taeyong made themself comfortable on the sofa (after a debate about who was going to sleep where, since Jaemin offered them his bedroom), because it was too late for them to go back home due to the curfew.

Jaehyun was a prey to a strange euphoria. He couldn’t stay still, still lost in his own feelings, unable to elaborate the idea of the presence of Yuta in his house again.

In the brief moment in which Yuta said goodnight to Jaemin, before going to bed, he slid a piece of paper in his hand: «I almost forgot this,» he said.

The night was warm, even warmier now that Yuta was holding Jaehyun in his arms.

«Is this a dream? Am I going to wake up tomorrow without you by my side?»

«I’ve never been more real than now, Jaehyun. I’m with you and I’m not going to go anywhere.» The tiredness grasped Yuta, making him close his eyes, but not before saying, tender and honest: «I love you.»

_Hey, Nana._

_I’m not the type of person who writes letters for pleasure, I just do it for my job, but I guess I can give it a try this time. I know we said what we said, but I feel like I will regret not trying to keep in touch with you. I have the feeling this might be the beginning of something. I don’t know what, but something for sure..._


End file.
